If You Find This And Decide to Read Pls Comment I Want to Know Ur Thoughts

sorry just some insecurities

I hate it when I stutter

I came to this topic because when I was reading some fan fiction I saw that the character had messaged someone and the comments where like
"Who types stuttering"

A person commented I do and I'm glad that they were comfortable with displaying this information and how the comments reacted thte were polite and trying to not offend them but also stating their point

Me I cant stand my stuttering but u cant help it it's like when I'm talking my younger starts to slur and my mouth feels like its flooding with saliva (that's kinda gross) and u feel the need to swallow but my throught keeps closing up and I just cut off my words a few times in my sentences and I absolutely hate it it makes me feel like I have to repeat myself so that everyone else can understand what I'm trying to say and it makes me feel embarrassed and left out

When this happens I feel scared
Because when I talk with other people  I feel scared of what they might think if they comment on it because my dad always hated when he had to repeat himself or ask me to speak louder because to me my dad is scary and he scares me but that's when hes mad or aggravated and i dont blame him he works very hard to get custody of me and my sisters and it's hard I cant understand how frustrating this is and I wish I could but I can't
And I just I gues that's were my fears developed when he was aggravated or frustrated because it was obvious he would be a little bit more distant and he would tighten his lips and widen or squint his eyes and his voice would be a but louder and I was always scared of how he would respond to me and so I was really quite all the time to a point where people wouldnt be able to hear me and I felt like I was talking to myself

Sometimes I would space out during a conversation and I would be able to h3aar what my dad would be saying so I would ask
" what?", " can you repeat that?", or "sorry I want listening"
And that just made hime frustrated and have to repeat himself so I became quite so that I could avoid conversations where I could mess up my speech or hearing and it just makes me afraid to talk

So when I talk I like to keep quite or slow down my speech sk I dont mess up but it doesn't work all the time

I hope someone understands what I'm trying to say because when these thing happen it feels like I'm alone?
Scared? I dknt know how to describe it. it just make my chest feel tight or heavy and sometimes it hurts

Please if someone understands me please tell me if you feels the Same way