A day of freedom, a lifetime of oppression.

Chapter 5 - Who are you?

"Who are you?"

"Where are you from?"

Andrew had looked up at me like a little child, staring deeply into my eyes as he asked those questions. His head lay at home in my lap. We were seated on a park bench near my home.

As I had looked down at him, I could feel the softness in my eyes. A warm feeling filled my chest. For a moment I wondered if this were how mothers felt.

"Don't you already know who I am? I'm Sharon." I had asked coyly.

I had known that he was implying that I must be an angel fallen from Heaven. But I so-loved pretending that I did not understand what Andrew was trying to say.

It had always been both entertaining and inspiring to see him come up with metaphor after metaphor to explain how he felt.

Stubbornly refusing to be direct in his speech. It had gotten frustrating at times. Sometimes all I wanted to hear were the underlying words.

"Sharon's your earthly name. Who I'm asking probably has some sort of celestial name." Andrew's steady gaze had swallowed my consciousness as he murmured those words.

A chill had slid gently down my spine. A chill of pleasure and fear.

As I sat in my room reminiscing, my broadcast camera turned off for some much needed privacy, I closed my eyes and let the sound of music fill my body.

I had been listening to a song by Joker Xue on repeat for the past hour. I loved his songs for their soulful depiction of bittersweet romance.

Try as I might, I could not help but replay the incident on the park bench in my head, over and over again. The song in the room and the scene in my head melded like a music video.

And in between the lyrics of the song, I heard Andrew's voice.

天外來物
You're not from this world

妳降落的 太突然了
nai jiang luo de tai tu ran le
You landed so suddenly.

我剛好呢 又路過了
wo gang hao ne you lu guo le
I was just passing by.

機會難得 又主觀覺得
ji hui nan de you zhu guan jiao de
This was perfect, but only in my eyes.

想明搶 又碰不得
xiang ming qiang you peng bu de
You were glowing, ethereal.

妳帶來了 我的快樂
nai dai lai le wo de kuai le
You made me happy.

讓這世界 有點顏色
rang zhe shi jie you dian yan se
Gave my world color.

我好想指責 妳太隨意了
wo hao xiang zhi ze nai tai sui yi le
I want to accuse you of being too casual.

寶物該有人捧著 妳是不是我的
bao wu gai you ren peng zhe nai shi bu shi wo de
Treasures like you should be held tightly onto. Are you mine?

妳像 天外來物壹樣 求之不得
nai xiang tian wai lai wu yi yang qiu zhi bu de
You're like something out of the sky.

妳在世俗裡的名字 不重要了
nai zai shi su li de ming zi bu zhong yao le
With our connection, there is no need for earthly names.

正好 我隱藏的人格是契而不舍
zheng hao wo yin cang de ren ge shi qi er bu she
I just happen to be hiding my longing for you.

直到蜂擁而至的人都透明了
zhi dao feng yong er zhi de ren dou tou ming le
Crowds disappear when you are in my presence.

我在 不近又不遠處
wo zai bu jin you bu yuan chu
But all I can do is hover at a distance from you.

用明天換妳 靠近我
yong ming tian huan nai kao jin wo
I'd use all my tomorrows to get closer to you.

妳占領了 我的快樂
nai zhan ling le wo de kuai le
You took over my happiness.

和這世界 已沒有瓜葛
he zhe shi jie yi mei you gua ge
It's unearthly.

任事物幹渴 都褪去顏色
ren shi wu gan ke dou tui qu yan se
Now that you leave me thirsting, my vision is fading.

只有妳是天藍色 我開始找妳了
zhi you nai shi tian lan se wo kai shi zhao nai le
You're the only one who is sky blue. I'm looking for you.

會像 天外來物壹樣 失而復得
hui xiang tian wai lai wu yi yang shi er fu de
Just like something lost and recovered from the sky.

妳在世俗裡的名字 被人用了
nai zai shi su li de ming zi bei ren yong le
Your secular name is now uttered by someone else.

反正 我隱藏的人格是契而不舍
fan zheng wo yin cang de ren ge shi qi er bu she
Since my longing for you is a trait I hide.

直到蜂擁而至的人都透明了
zhi dao feng yong er zhi de ren dou tou ming le
But I see only you in all these crowds.

我在 不近又不遠處
wo zai bu jin you bu yuan chu
I'll be here, just far enough.

用明天換妳 靠近我
yong ming tian huan nai kao jin wo
Using tomorrow to pull you closer.

妳就像 天外來物壹樣 求之不得
nai jiu xiang tian wai lai wu yi yang qiu zhi bu de
You're like something out of the sky.

我在世俗裡的描寫被取笑了
wo zai shi su li de miao xie bei qu xiao le
My words sound so silly trying to describe you.

反正我隱藏的人格是非妳不可
fan zheng wo yin cang de ren ge shi fei nai bu ke
My hidden longing is yours and yours only.

直到別有用心的人都透明了
zhi dao bie you yong xin de ren dou tou ming le
Your genuineness reveals all those who are insincere.

我在 不近又不遠處
wo zai bu jin you bu yuan chu
I'll be somewhere just far enough in your life.

用明天換妳 靠近我
yong ming tian huan nai kao jin wo
Using my days to write a book to you.

Tears welled up in my eyes, which stared blankly at my computer screen. On it was Andrew's goodbye message to me. He had written it in a Spotify playlist.

No, I was not keeping my distance from him because I would be embarrassed of an Autistic person like him. I just really, really wanted someone who would be able to take care of me.

I did not want or need another person to take care of, in my life, at the moment. I could not afford to have that in my life, right now.

Dad had recently been diagnosed with cancer. I had dropped out of school to help support the family and Dad's chemotherapy. In the day, I wrote novels. In the night, I aired as a broadcaster. I was doing all I could to keep the family afloat.

I was the eldest of three children, and the responsibility had fallen, first and foremost, on my shoulders.

We were barely coping. We had had to sell the house and move to a smaller one further east.

Andrew needed to be saved. He was looking to be saved. I could not save him. My hands were already tied. And despite being a strong, independent and capable young female, I needed a certain kind of saving too.

Day after day, I had checked obsessively for the next chapter in the book Andrew was writing to me. A lot of people would say 'for me', but that would be incorrect. Andrew was using his book to communicate his thoughts and feelings to me, from a distance.

He was talking to me.

My heart had ached with frustration as I read the first few chapters of his book. It was so one-sided. It needed the girl's perspective.

It needed my perspective.

I longed to get in touch with him to tell him the truth about how I felt.

"Perhaps, someday, when you can finally stand on your own two feet, I might still be waiting for you." I whispered.

A tear slid down my right cheek as I realized that Andrew might never hear those words.

It was always my right eye that the dam broke in, first.