The Cliché Club

Two: The Amazing Mrs Fitzpatrick

"Hey Charity, is Mrs Fitzpatrick available?"

Charity smiled at me gratefully, then gave me an enthusiastic nod.

"You know she always is for you, Jade. Go straight through." She said, pressing a button that made the double doors of Oaks Veterans Club open with a flourish.

I smiled at Charity, the receptionist, and walked into the bleak, grey room.

But the decor of the room couldn't be further away from what was happening inside it.

Around 50 elderly people, all gathered round the TV screaming and shouting and watching intently, squinting as much as they could without actually closing their eyes.

In the midst of it all, was the fabled Anna Fitzpatrick, probably the best human being to ever walk on the earth.

She seemed to sense me as soon as I walked in, and she turned away from the giant crowd to greet me, a giant wad of cash locked in her elegant, wrinkled fingers.

"Jade!" She hollered, walking towards me and wrapping me in a tight, perfumy hug.

"Sup, Mrs F?" I asked, laughing as there was a chorus of noises that indicated disappointment. I felt Mrs F chuckle as she withdrew from the hug, and she squished my cheeks together in joy.

"Hear that, chicken? It's the sound of Victory!" She laughed, then whispered in my ear. "But the trick, is to pretend that you're sad because they lost the bet."

She demonstrated, pretending to wipe the happiness off her face, and replaced it with sadness.

Turning to the group of elders, she put her hands on her hips in mock dismay.

"There really is no luck left in the world, is there?" She asked rhetorically, shaking her head. "Oh well, everyone! Next round of drinks are on me!"

The group suddenly cheered, and Mrs F turned back round to look at me and winked. "Keeps 'em sweet." She whispered knowingly, and I don't think my smile could've been any wider.

****

After Mrs Fitzpatrick had ordered the large number of drinks (a blend of futuristic blue concoctions, and pink barbie smoothies- who knew old people drank anything but prune juice?) she clapped her hands in satisfaction and pocketed the wad of cash that was still very large.

"So, my little gem, Jade! What brings you to this boring little place?" She started towards me and sat down on her chair. She told me she'd won it in a bullfight when she was younger, but she was always full of stories; there was a new one every week.

"Just wanted to come and see you, Mrs F. We haven't spoken in a while."

Mrs F rolled her eyes and smiled at me, getting up to give me another hug. When she retracted, she checked over her shoulder and whispered.

"Can we go out the back door, sweetie? I'm dying for a smoke."

I silently nodded and followed her round the party of elders sipping their free beverages, down a short hallway past the bathroom, and out the back door.

"Do me a favour and get my cigs out of the trash can there, honey." She said, a pained and longing expression on her face.

I followed her instruction and opened the enormous waste bin, sticking my head in and having to jump to get to the bottom, trying to ignore the smell.

I located the cardboard box and proudly handed it to Mrs Fitzpatrick, and she patted me on the back in reward and produced a lighter from inside her bra.

"Last place they would ever check. No-one wants to feel old woman melons!" She said proudly. "Though I take pride in my curvaceous features. I still got it ya know!"

I smiled and nodded, watching her stick one of the bin cigarettes in her mouth and light it, taking a large breath and breathing out the smoke in satisfaction.

"You know what I say, chicken? I say you gotta live your life to the best of your ability. All they teach you kids is to worry about the future. None of 'em tell you that you should be living for the now, coz before you know it you're old and cranky and wondering where you went wrong." She breathed out another puff of smoke. I'd asked to try it a few times, but she always declined. Said I have a whole life to live, but she doesn't have much time left, so she's allowed to slowly destroy her body.

"You see a few people like that 'ere. Day in, day out, shuffling in their nighties, taking pills to keep 'em alive, watching the same old boring channels in their corduroy slippers and resenting themselves and everyone around them coz they ain't had a proper life. Promise me this, my little gem. Always make the most of what you have. Coz there's always some nasty fella who's gonna wanna take everything away from you." She took one more drag and threw the burning cig on the ground, crushing it with her foot, as if she was trying to crush the whole idea of oppression. An idea, or maybe a memory.

"Anyway, sweet pea. What did you want to tell me?"

I shrugged and smiled. I always loved listening to Mrs F more than I liked talking to her. She always told the best stories, and had the best life lessons, and I can't help but wish that we were the same age, so there wouldn't have to be a time where I'd have to live without her.

"I just wanted to come and see you." I said, leaning against the brick wall of the building that Mrs F always called her free prison.

"Don't give me that bull. It's Thursday. You only come 'ere to talk on Mondays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Now what other reason would you need to come on a Thursday unless you needed to talk. I know you, Jade. You're about as impatient as old Mrs Lime in there. Sour as she is, she waited 15 years for her husband to come out of a coma, and you won't have seen her give up once. I know that if you just wanted to talk, you would have waited til tomorra."

Another reason why you had to love Mrs Fitzpatrick: nothing gets past her.

"Now, out with it."

I sighed and began to speak. "I had another talk with the principal today. He said that my behaviour is unacceptable and I need to make a change. Then that stupid cow, Carly had to stick her nose into my business yet again, and you'll never guess where she's landed me now."

Mrs F chucked and pretended to think. "Let's see. In the loony bin, where you belong?"

"Oh ha-ha." I said sarcastically, but laughed in response and feebly punched my elderly companion on the shoulder. "But I'm not sure which is worse. The loony bin, or going deep into the pits of hell."

Mrs F chuckled. "Oh, now stop being such a drama queen! Never knew the pits of hell was just over the fence!"

"But does it make sense to you, Mrs F? I did what I did to show those rich kids just what I think of them, and they want to send me to a place filled with them? It's like sending a germaphobe into a hospital, or, worse yet, a landfill. I won't be able to function with their snooty snares and the constant rolling of their little rich kid eyes."

"Well, it ain't that bad. They got some nice facilities. A better standard of learning. With your brains and the good education, you'll definitely get into a good college."

I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore the fact that she was right.

"Besides, there's one thing you haven't thought about." She said, a somewhat evil smirk on her face.

"What?" I asked, scared and a little confused.

"You'll be in the same school as them. Do some damage from the inside, my girl!" She screamed excitedly, and threw her arm over my shoulder.

Good-old Mrs F. Always knows how to change a bad situation into a better one.

I decided to make Principal Oak and Cathy regret ever sending me into the place.

Coz I was gonna be their worse nightmare.