The Great Big Scare

A gift for you :)

I realized recently that I needed somewhere to vent. But I don't really have one and I'm afraid to keep a diary/journal in my house out fear of someone finding. Then I realized that maybe there's other people with that problem too.

So here is a safe space for you to vent and rant to your heart's content. It can be about anything from going through loss to someone touching your favorite spoon. If you need to get something off your mind or off your chest here is a place to do so. It can be as long or short as you want, with grammar or maybe with none. You can write it however you want. The only rule is Absolutely No Hate. You never know what someone is going through so please be kind.

Comment your vent here.

My vent:
My name is not actually Lily nor am I actually a girl, I only use a fake name here so I don't have to worry about my friends seeing that I write fanfictions. Earlier this week I was worried about my friends judging me about not being able to afford real gifts and having to hand make things for them. That's when it occurred to me that I worry about my friends a lot. A concerning amount if you will.

I hate to admit it but I'm beginning to wonder about my friends. I mean of course I know that would Never under any circumstances ever misgender me or deadname me in public or in front of my family. I can trust that with my life. But they make me afraid to be myself sometimes. And I don't know I just feel like my closest friend of the group we'll call them Dizzy for now is talking down to me like a child.

For example at thanksgiving I was eating and when I was done Dizzy looked at me and asked "Do you want more" in such a way that it made me feel shameful about eating even though I only had 3 things in my plate and usually I would have taken much more.

And on Halloween night my family threw a little get together since we couldn't actually trick or treat due to covid. (we all live in one apartment building so chill). Like 5 adults stood in a line in the yard- which was decorated with cool light projectors and blowup decorations and it was awesome- and they were holding big bowls of candy you could trick or treat from. Dizzy stood in the corner with my cousin who we shall call Vision for now, and they refused to take any candy claiming they had candy at the house. I on the other was really excited about the party and was enjoying the decor and make shift trick or treating. I had been upset all month that my Halloween schedule was ruined because of the virus.

I can't seem forget what Dizzy said to me that night no matter how much I want to. "Do you really want to trick or treat?" It made me feel stupid and like a child for even thinking about enjoying my favorite holiday. All Fizzy and Vision wanted to do was leave, so they did; and they dragged me along.

And then there was the park incident..

Dizzy called me up over the summer, it had been the first time in awhile that we had spoken because they'd gotten into massive trouble and hadn't had their phone for like 3 months. I was so excited to see them that I asked my boyfriend if it was okay to leave him alone (we had been on call before Dizzy rang).

When I stepped out Dizzy was with two people I didn't recognize and immediately I had a bad feeling about them. Dizzy called the two their hospital friends. And they said that the friends didn't know the town very well and we're going to the park. I agreed happy to be a tour guide at first but as we walked the friends kept making comments about how I dressed like a toddler(I was wearing shorts overalls with outer space and galaxies on it because that's my most favorite topic in the world.) and they kept mud gendering me.

It was really uncomfortable and it killed me that Dizzy didn't stop them. They laughed. And then Galway from my house to the park Dizzy turned to me and said "So we're actually going to the park to get high, but I know you're not gonna want to so you don't have to." And of course I was grateful that they weren't going to peer pressure me into doing drugs. But it stung knowing they only wanted me around so no one knew what they were up to. I made sure that they all got the park safe and then ran back home. And I mean ran.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't give a rats ass if smoke but it hurts to be lied to. And hearing people make fun of you and the best friend you've had since diapers doesn't even give you a glance.

I don't remember much of my childhood so I don't remember if I always felt babied and talked down to before. You're supposed to feel safe and be able to talk about anything with your best friends but I don't feel comfortable enough to be myself around Dizzy anymore.

I'm sorry for rambling for so long. If you've read this far uh thanks for listening I guess. There's a lot on my mind so this isn't even half of it.

Oh and remember eat and drink water and that you're valid and I might not know you well but I'm always here to listen and I care about what you have to say <3