I Promise it Gets Better

Chapter 6

"I think a lot of us can relate to not choosing to face a painful memory, and something that's a painful past, and wanting to pretend like it never happened." -Derek Magyar

I walk out to the waiting area where my parents are supposed to, except it's empty. I turn the corner and they jump out to surprise me. They hug me tight and I realize how much I missed them. We walk to the car and I tell them everything that happened in the psych ward. They pick up food for me and we go home. When I get home I realize I'm starving but when I try to eat I feel nauseous and stop trying to eat.

"What's wrong?" my mom asks.

"I don't know I just can't eat," I say.

"It's probably because you haven't eaten in a few days, your body's probably used to not eating"

"Maybe. I don't think I'm ready to go back to school yet, I still feel really weird. It all feels like a dream, or a nightmare I guess"

"Yeah, you should take the day off tomorrow. I mean you were in the hospital all weekend"

"So what happened when I wasn't here?"

"Your dad was a mess. He wouldn't stop crying when I got home, he was so worried. He was talking to your grandpa and said 'I don't know how to help her, I don't know what to do'"

"Did you guys tell anybody?"

"No, it's your story to tell."

"Thanks. I think I'm gonna go to bed now. Night"

"Goodnight"

I walk over to my room and get ready for bed. I sit there and think about everything that happened and the people that I've hurt. I'm already so messed up and I can't help anyone else fix themselves. But, I guess I have to try. I try to sleep but I keep thinking about it all. My dad doesn't cry often. It's hard to hear that your dad was in that state. It's even harder having to know you caused it all. I close my eyes and try to sleep but, the guilt is overwhelming. We were all happy once. I ruined that, I ruined it by giving up. I cry myself to sleep for the second day in a row, wondering how much longer I can keep this up. The following day I don't wake up until 2 PM. I still feel really out of it. In a weird way it feels like none of it was real. But it was. I know it was. The wreckage I've left behind is evidence enough of the reality of my situation. I don't do much for the rest of the day and decide to take the next day off as well. I feel okay so on my third day back home, I decide to attend my online classes. It was a mistake. I almost broke down in every single one of my classes. It was so weird to see how normal everyone else's lives were. The world went on without me in a way. I always knew that when something important happens, life's never the same after. I guess I just didn't expect it to be this different. It was like when I tried to kill myself I succeeded in killing a piece of my soul. It was like finally admitting to myself that something is not okay, that something's broken. I saw everyone else in my classes and I realized that life kept going on for them, the world kept spinning and my world was turned upside down. Honestly, I feel guilty thinking this. I have what some people would consider the perfect home life. My parents are together, they don't fight a lot, we're financially comfortable, and they adore me. So why am I so messed up? I try to go to school the next day. I realize that I can't keep doing this. I can't keep trying to continue life the way it was because, it's not like that anymore. I can't keep acting like I'm okay when I'm not. So I decide to take a week off from school. I ask my mom if I can leave, maybe get homeschooled. Turns out, you can't homeschool right away. It would take a while for me to be able to leave. I knew I couldn't stay there. I was so behind on my classwork and I was stressing out. Also, it just felt like going back to a life that wasn't mine anymore. Everything had changed. Before, I had big dreams, now I don't even know if I want to go to college anymore. I never want to do anything anymore. I don't like doing things I used to like. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. Worst of all, I don't know what's wrong and I don't know how to fix it. I'm a mess. I cry everyday, over literally anything. I avoid calls for a while. What am I supposed to say when they ask how I've been lately? I'm tired of lying. Then, my luck changes just a little. First, I transfer to a different school. I guess to me it just feels like starting fresh. Second, I get an acceptance letter to Mensa. Mensa is a kind of club for people with high IQ's. I had been waiting to hear from them for about a month. I wanted to join Mensa to meet other people like me. Sometimes, it just gets kind of lonely being a genius. There's a term for it actually, it's called a "tortured genius". They say that every genius is at least a little crazy. It's like I was bound to try to kill myself. Van Gogh, Hemingway, and Sylvia Plath to name a few suicidal geniuses. It's not really a life you choose for yourself. It chooses you.