"At least I have a family."

1/1

"At least I have a family."

As soon as I heard the words leave my mouth, I had regretted them. The worst part of it was her reaction. She didn't scream in anger, or start sobbing, which was what I had expected considering that's what happened when we were together and I had upset her.

How wrong I was.

The entire room went quiet. The talkative crew, the rhythmic buzz of the lightbulb that had been broken and neglected for days, everything had resigned to stunned silence.

She seemed to be looking for what to do. Looking for an appropriate way to react, which I wasn't surprised about since we had both come to a mutual agreement to never bring up the miscarriage, no matter how angry we were at each other. I don't even know what made me break that agreement, whether it was mixture of resentment and longing, I couldn't tell you.

She was just doing so well without me.

It had been six years since my son was born. Six years since we had worked together.

Six years since the statement of us being friends still was the truth.

All I saw before she got up and promptly walked away was a single tear, steadily falling down her cheek.

And all over again, I felt like the worst person on this planet. And I knew others thought the same way about me right about now as well.

"Um, well... let's just call it a day everyone. It's been a long day for all of us, so I'll see you all tomorrow," Nigel had reluctantly announced. I was silently thanking myself for asking Nigel to work on All Stars with me, because I could tell everyone was looking at me to do something.

Even Lauren, which made it all worse.

But even if someone had offered me a way to go back and change what I said, I still wouldn't have possibly known what to tell them.

My brain was mush.

I saw Randy starting off and took the opportunity to try and communicate with Paula through him, mostly because I knew she wouldn't want to talk to me for a while.

The pressure in my chest seemed to get worse as I went to catch up with him.

"Randy, wait-" I started off talking to his turned back, although I knew he was listening due to the tensing of his body as  I started my redemption arc. But he had beat me to it, and the look in his eyes slightly threw me off, as it seemed his entire body had become enflamed with anger.

His happy and friendly personality had been completely wiped because of me.

He started off his speech, and his change in character stopped me from interrupting.

"We both know what happened. You knew how much she wanted a child. You knew she was crushed, absolutely crushed! And we all knew not to talk about it! And YOU, of all people, are not exempt from that."

His anger seemed to cool as he went on, probably due to the nostalgia of talking about "us."

"Look. I know this future isn't the one you expected. I know you both had planned to work out. To become America's couple. But you didn't. That isn't what happened, and you know what? It is your fault. You know that. I mean, that's why you got so angry, right? Right."

His temper fueled up quickly after the mention of what I had done. And I didn't blame him.

"I know you've had to play "tough guy" for your entire life, and I know how hard it was. But you're just mean. You're just mean, and selfish, and stupid. Yeah, you're stupid. Because you don't ever think before you say ANYTHING, especially when it comes to Paula. She hasn't done anything but try so hard to be the right person. But the truth is, she's not the right person. No one is for you. Nothing's ever enough for you."

My eyes were starting to ache, and my head was starting to hurt at the mention of my past.

Of our past.

He gave me a second to take in what he had said, but it wasn't long after he started again. This time he didn't stop, he knew I was listening.

"You've hurt her so many times, man. So many. And every time, she forgives you. Devotedly and unadulteratedly forgives you. I really thought 2013 was the last straw for her, but no. She loves you. And she waited so long to be your right person, right time. But you need to understand that sometimes YOU'RE the problem. I'm not gonna keep relaying messages to her like in 2015, I'm not. I felt so guilty doing it because I knew I was giving her something toxic, something wrong. All I was doing was telling her all your empty promises. All the promises to stay in touch, to remember her, to care. You don't. You just don't care, Simon. I should've known when you cheated on her, but you were my friend, so I gave you the benefit of the doubt. And I'm sick and tired of it. So no, l'm not gonna tell her you're sorry, or that you'll make it up to her, or that you 'don't know what happened when you said that,' because you do. You were angry that she was actually doing okay with you, and the fact that she could fire back just like old times, that she had gotten better without you, hit you like a ton of bricks. And you hated it. Well Simon, I'm gonna tell you something, and you're gonna listen well: tough. Shit."

He promptly walked away, most likely to go comfort Paula.

I was stunned and stuck in place. We had been in arguments before, but this was different.

This was final.

And even though I was in a desolate hallway, I still felt like all eyes were on me.

In a way, they were.

In a way, the whole world watched me destroy us.