𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ━ in which even with him by her side the hate still majorly affects her mental health ━ 𝐁𝐎𝐎𝐊 2
𝗌𝖾𝗊𝗎𝖺𝗅 𝗍𝗈: 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦
𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗲𝗱: july 19, 2020
𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗱: february 10, 2021
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°~(☁️💌)~°
°JULY 14, 2020 los angeles, calif.°
her pajamas and a sweatshirt. a red and black pair of plaid oversized pajama pants, a black calvin clein sports bra, daniel's black sweatshirt, and her hair remaining in the messy bun it was in when she went to bed the previous night. ophelia didn't have the enrgy to change, she didn't have the motivation to make herself look presentable going into the public.
it was 11 am, ophelia had woken up at 8, and got out of bed at 10:40. it took her five minutes to do her business, ten to brush her teeth, and another three to simply put on daniel's sweatshirt. she had picked up her phone and keys, said a see you later to bruce, then left the apartment for her therapy appointment.
she didn't get very far though, because about ten feet from her home, ophelia broke into tears that not even she could feel coming. her heart rate quickened, her breathing got harder, and it felt like the world around her was getting small. all morning, ophelia had been inside her head, just thinking. she had thought herself into a panic attack.
her body slid down to the floor against the wall, her head between her knees, and her hands clenching the sweatshirt material in front of her stomach. her body was violently shaking, she felt sweaty and nauseous. unmistakably yet unintentionally, ophelia didn't do anything to calm herself down. she didn't try to slow her breathing, she didn't try to focus on her breathing.
she felt like she couldn't.
she felt like she physically could not calm herself down at the moment. and to make matters worse, she felt like she was falling to her death with nobodies hand to grab for saftey.
ophelia was alone in the hallway. nobody had walked out of their apartment to see the eitghteen year old in the mist of her panic attack, and nobody could help her.
then the falling stopped. and she did her best to relax her eyes and breath. as the way her body was shaking only relaxed a bit, ophelia took a deep breath in through her nose and held it.
one, two, three, four, five.
she blew that deep breath out through her mouth slowly and as calmly as she could.
one, two, three, four, five.
ophelia repeated this process until she was able to calm herself down. when her shaking stopped, her heart rate went down, and her breathing relaxed, ophelia lifted her head from between her knees and relaxed her hands. she leaned her head back against the wall with her eyes still closed and took one final deep breath.
wow. was the only thought that came to mind.
ophelia loudly played her music in her car ride to keep her out of her dangerous thoughts. she thought of daniel, her mom, anna, the boys. her dreams.
she played a playlist she had created for herself on spotify she called, "out of mind😀" it had over 700 songs with artists ranging from arctic monkeys to the neighborhood, billie eilish to melanie martinez. Can't Hold Us to ZEZE.
"i can taste it, i'm impatient, tell me baby"
"and i'd rather be tested by goddesses resting their heads up on pillows of all they have learned"
and although her mind was distracted from the negative thoughts that she didn't want but had, there was nothing ophelia did to stop the tears that approached and fell for a reason not even she herself could understand.
she arrived at her appointment thirty minutes late. beatrice had pushed back her later appointments the longer she waited for ophelia. she hadn't receaved a text from the girl, but she knew she was coming.
well, she had a feeling.
ophelia dragged herself out of her jeep with her phone and keys in hand. with her head down, ophelia walked into the building where beatrice was. to her surprise, beatrice was prepared to meet her at the entrance.
it shocked the tall blonde women when she saw ophelia's face, which was clearly covered in shock. but beatrice herself was shocked by the redness of ophelia's eyes and the part of her cheeks that could be seen above her mask, as well as how tired she looked.
"poor baby," she cooed placing her hand on the middle of ophelia's back. "this is a safe place, ophelia, talk to me about what's going on." beatrice led the girl into her office room and sat her down her down on the couch. she closed the door before sitting down in her own chair.
"i'm sorry for being so late, i know you have other patience you have to worry about," ophelia apologized.
"no, no, no, don't be sorry ophelia. i pushed back my appointments so you would be able to take full advantage of your hour with me. it's totally okay," beatrice reassured. "now talk to me sweetie."
"today has just been really rough already," ophelia started.
"how so," beatrice asked, clicking her pen, preparing herself to write on her notepad.
"i just woke up with zero motivation for anything today. i didn't want to get out of bed, i didn't want to eat, i didn't want to do anything." out of habbit, ophelia began to rub her eyes.
"did you end up eating something?" beatrice tilted her head to the side.
"no," ophelia shook her head in slight shame, "no."
