Love All The Way

28| Just breathe

My mother keeps me busy over the next few days, which stops me from dwelling on my future. We start at the Farmer's market, scouring the meats and fresh vegetables before heading to Santa Monica beach. It's the place my parents would bring me when I needed cheering up, which is why it has the same effect now.

I stand along the shore, red toenails peeking out from the sand as the sun beats on my face. The ocean is a never-ending expanse of turquoise blue, dotted with white-capped waves that roll toward the shore and soothe me like a lullaby. As much as I'm a headstrong city girl at heart, a piece of me will always belong at the beach.

Eyes closed, I pretend like I'm in a Hallmark movie and tilt my face toward the sun, smiling as it warms my cheeks. It's exactly the break I'd been looking for. Some me time, where I can step back and look at my life somewhat objectively; where I can finally breathe. As much as I love the fast-paced life of New York, sometimes it's okay to slow down.

Still, if there is one thing tarnishing this trip, it's that I can't stop thinking about Milo. Despite my mother's best efforts to distract me from life, all roads – and thoughts – lead to him. Instead of taking in the beach's tranquility, I think about how much he'd love to visit the pier. Or how he'd hate my favorite restaurant because it tries too hard to be trendy. Or how if he came over for dinner, my parents would love him. This trip was supposed to be about getting away, but maybe that's impossible; maybe when you love someone, they're with you even when they're not.

"If you know how you feel about him," Mom says when I tell her this, "what exactly is it that's stopping you?"

I'm about to tell her I don't know, but that would be a lie, and right now feels like the perfect time to be honest. "I guess I'm scared that as much as I love him, it won't work out."

My mother, ever pragmatic, says, "Everybody's scared. That's not a reason."

I turn to find her sprawled on a towel, propping herself up with her elbow. "I don't know about that. Jess, for example, has never had doubts about her boyfriend. She's never had cold feet or questioned whether they'd make it in the long run. She knew she was going to marry him the first day they met. Some people just seem so sure about their choices, making me wonder whether it's a bad sign that I'm not."

I slump into the sand beside her. Only now that I'm saying it out loud do I realize the promotion was only ever an excuse. The truth is, I was so terrified of things not working out with Milo that I never really gave him a chance. 

"Let me tell you something," Mom says, and for once, she looks serious. "Even those people who seem so sure get it wrong. Nobody gets married thinking one day they'll divorce, but it happens. Does knowing it might not work out mean you should deprive yourself of the chance it might? Of course not. Love will always be a risk, Kennedy, but my god, when it pays off, it's worth it. There is a difference between being cautious and letting your fear control you."

I frown and face the ocean again. She's right: I'd been so convinced I had to protect myself after what happened with Lucas that somewhere along the line, my cautiousness morphed into fear, stopping me from taking those risks. Not just in my personal life but in my profession too. It's only now that I'm away from it all that I realize my fear wasn't protecting me.

It was holding me back.

I sprawl across my towel and spend the next few hours watching the surfers on the horizon. They seem so small and insignificant compared to the size of the waves, but they handle their boards with ease and control, falling into rhythm with the water. I lose myself in their gracefulness, surprised at how strange it feels not to sit here and worry about work. Even on my days off, I'd be thinking about what mood Laurelle would be in on Monday or whether I'd called that client back. Then Sunday would come, and this tight knot of dread would follow me 'till Monday. But right now, there's no dread or worry or holding my breath; there's only peace.

It's not going to last, and I don't expect it to. Life is stressful – there's no changing that – but this break has opened my eyes a little. There's a balance to be had between working and living, and somewhere along the way, I'd disrupted that balance in order to impress Laurelle, but I'm determined to rectify that. Now when I go back, it will be with the mindset that sometimes it's okay just to breathe. 

***

Later in the evening, after heading to dinner with Mom and Dad in West Hollywood, I tell them I'll meet them back at the house and catch an Uber to the street that first made me fall in love with selling properties. It was a last-minute decision – coming all this way and not visiting the place that kickstarted my dream felt wrong somehow – and the moment I pull up, I get this tingling feeling deep in my bones like I'm standing in a place of great importance.

"I'll just be a second," I tell the driver and climb out. 

 I head to the start of the street, looking past the rows of beautiful houses and into the distance. Dotted within the rolling hills are houses that twinkle like stars on the horizon. Each one is unique and boasts its own charm, but they all share a common glow that illuminates the hills. Some are traditional, with warm wood exteriors and glowing windows, while others are contemporary, with sleek lines and large windows that seem to bring the outside in. 

I tilt my head to get a better look, and it's as I stand here, marveling at the gingerbread trims and Egress windows, that I realize this is what I want to find my way back to, the passion I'd had in the beginning. I want to return to selling properties to ordinary people just looking to make a house a home. And if I can't find an agency back in New York that'll let me do that, well, then, I'll have to start my own.

A/N

Hey guys! This was a bit of a short chapter, but the next one will be tomorrow, so you won't have to wait long! Comment a ❤️ if you're ready for a Kennedy and Milo confrontation!