The Way We Learned to Love ✓

11 - liam

march-may 2017 : 3 years and 4 months ago

Liam was so exhausted from everything that for the first time in weeks, he somehow slept well that night.

When morning came, he didn't want to get out of bed. He didn't want to do anything. The tightness in his chest hadn't ceased. To his surprise, much of his anxiety about anything Caroline might say in retaliation was dissipating now that he had finally made a decision and gone through with it. But it was replaced by something perhaps even more sinister, more vague. It felt less separate from him, like a shadow that would follow him wherever he went. He couldn't cut it off from him like he could cut off Caroline.

It was the fear that all of it was for nothing. It was all for nothing because he was never going to feel better anyway.

He was scared of that possibility, more scared than he had been of her. So he dragged himself out of bed and made himself go practice his piano. Even with a million more important things on his mind than this, he didn't want to set himself up to get lectured in his next lesson for not doing his work again. He was starting to get frustrated that this piece wasn't where he wanted it to be yet even though it shouldn't have been too hard.

It was easy to play, yet difficult to play really well. The actual hand movements required were easy and the tempo was slow. But interpreting it well - pedaling cleanly, shaping it so that it was more than just a handful of notes that sounded pretty together - was more challenging. It needed to sound effortless and compelling and not like a billion other people had already played it. As it stood currently, it sounded kind of boring.

He started to lose track of the time as he sat there and worked on it, trying to put all of these overwhelming emotions to good use. It was a melancholy song. He just had to be invested in it. If he could be convincing and make his performance anywhere near as intense as he felt, he would be in good shape.

Attempting to let himself feel his emotions while also not thinking about what caused said emotions wasn't exactly an effective strategy. He thought about Caroline. Of course he thought about Caroline. But he also thought about Jo. How he had gone so wrong, how awful he had been to her the night before. How she was surely already outside working by now and how he needed to talk to her and yet here he was, hiding.

Guilt rooted itself in his heart as a tiny seed, its tendrils quickly growing and tightening and making it harder to focus. When he heard Jo speak up from the doorway, he couldn't even feel anxiety this time. Just regret.

"Can I come in?" she asked somewhat hesitantly.

Liam curtly nodded, unable to look at her yet. He knew that she wouldn't let the two of them stay mad at each other for too long but didn't know how to begin apologizing for all of it. He had never ignored her for weeks on end or spoken to her like he did last night.

Her hair was in a ponytail today and had he been in a better mood, he would have cracked a grin at her fuzzy blue socks. She never wore her shoes upstairs since they were always so dirty from outside. Consistent as always, she had a cup of coffee ready, but he simply shook his head this time.

"Did you want me to buy some decaf?" she offered.

"Yeah, sure," he answered quietly.

She didn't try to come near him this time. Instead, she curled into one of the chairs in the corner, pulling the blanket that was draped over the back of it into her lap. The gesture reminded Liam of his mother even though she would never be caught kicking back and relaxing like that nowadays. She didn't have the time. But she used to do the exact same thing when he was really little before she got her big promotion and was at home more. She would sit there and read him books while he sprawled out on the floor with his toys.