Runaway

.12

The week had gone by with our ups and downs. I’d learned more than I ever thought possible in those short days that we spent together. It was…everything and nothing.

“I’ve decided,” I said. Savannah looked away from the country scene passing by. Her bright green eyes glittered with wonder the same way they had when I had decided to start going for her all those years ago. It killed me to not know what she was thinking—same as it had that abnormally cool September night.

I let those words hang in the air for a while until I pulled into our field. Her eyes looked around until the realization hit her, and for a short moment, I thought she knew.

It wasn’t right.

None of this was right, but holy hell, it was the most right thing I could do by her.

I rolled the windows down and killed the engine so that the breeze and early summer noises could filter into the vehicle. Savannah moved around the get herself comfortable because somehow she knew this wasn’t going to be a short conversation. I’m pretty sure I died a little inside as I watched her.

I was her source of happiness.

“Actually, I haven’t, but that makes my decision “easy”,” I elaborated and looked ahead so I wouldn’t look at her. I couldn’t look at her right now because it hurt so damn much.

“Ollie, I don’t really understand,” Savannah said. I heard some shuffling but refused to see what the cause was.

I’d spent two and a half years pining over someone that I’d let go without rhyme or reason. Maybe I had overdosed on this particular drug and thought I could find one almost as equally satisfying. But to be honest, there’s no drug like Savannah. I knew that, she knew that, and everyone in this god forsaken town knew that. The sad part of a drug is that they will mess you up. It’ll hurt and burn and tear up your mind and emotions. Sometimes you’re even physically scarred.

But looking at her now through my drug-induced blur, I realized that Savannah’s downfall was that you cannot ever part with her. Parting with her was like…killing part of yourself. That’s what made her so dangerous because she could and would part with you at any goddamned time. It didn’t bother her to run.

It didn’t bother her to not be around me.

It didn’t bother her to smile and look at things like moments.

And it did not bother her to get people addicted.

“Savannah…” I said and then sighed. The words were there. All I had to do now was say them. “No matter how much I want to go with you to hell and back, I can’t. I can’t be sure that you won’t run. There’s no guarantee that I’ll be with you, and I want to be with you forever. I wasn’t supposed to fall this hard, but I was supposed to save you. Goddamn, Sav, you have no idea how much I want to—”

“I do,” she interrupted. I stopped short and my thoughts became a train wreck. “You saved me, Ollie, and you fell this hard. But you weren’t the only one saved or the one that fell so hard. Bloody, I’m still falling because you don’t seem to understand.”

There was silence for a moment as the words set in. Maybe she was right. Maybe I didn’t understand completely.

“What I do understand is that you’ve got a fickle heart,” I finally said and looked at her.

I watched her move in her seat and crawl towards me with her muddy green eyes determined as hell. She stopped beside me and grabbed my face in both of her hands. Up this close, I could see the light spatter of freckles across her nose and cheekbones. They were brilliant with the lack of makeup she was wearing.

“If fickle for you means that I run because I’m scared of what I feel, then yes, my heart is as fickle as they come.”

Her lips pressed against mine softly and urged for a response. I couldn’t find it in myself to give it to her, to lead her towards a road of false hope. There was no way that I could do this again even though I knew that I had. It pissed me off to no end to know that I’d hurt her again.

“Ollie,” she whispered sadly after she pulled back. I looked at her, saw that her eyes were closed tightly, lips parted, and brow furrowed. My hand cupped her cheek as I silently pleaded for her to open her eyes. “You’re doing it again…You’re breaking my heart again.”

“I know…” I whispered. “I’m breaking mine too. But Sav, I know that you can do better, that you can get far the hell away from Mansfield and all of its people, that you can do all of the things in the world. You’re going to find this guy and he won’t break your heart, I promise. Just…don’t love me anymore, okay?”

She scoffed quietly. I tried to smile, glad that she was still trying to be her sarcastic self. But I knew that scoff well. It spoke of the many ways that I was going to get slayed.

“You’re my first love, Ollie. I’ll always love you. You more than likely won’t be my last though…as you’re showing,” she whispered with her sass on full display.

I blew a puff of air from my nose quickly. It was a small way to laugh without really laughing.

“Savannah…We’re letting go for real this time, aren’t we?” I asked just to clarify.

She opened her eyes then. Those perfect eyes that were a multitude of colors and shining with unshed tears. There was no complaint, no sigh, and no sarcasm.

“Yes,” she whispered.

*^*

This is really the end.