Drugged Up Dope Books: Jerry the Hamster

While you shouldn’t smoke weed, if you do and you read this, it’ll be a trip. If you don’t smoke and you read this, you’ll be like What the FAAAAAAAAAAA…?

Jerry was a hamster who lived in an imaginary world. Whose world, he didn’t know. But it was a scary one. There were fast cars, and lots of moving planes. He was scared to move so hid in his hole all day.

Until one day he realized he was living in a cartoon. And everything was fake. Once Jerry realized this, he made a breakaway.

See. It turned out Jerry was part of a lab. A lab that created super hamsters in cartoons. And a lab that got high most of the time. Jerry was lucky he could escape, because the guards were passed out.

Jerry ran and he ran and he ran, and then he realized ‘Wait!’ he’s done this before. And he had. Because he used to be a lab rat that ran mazes before he became a hamster. So remembering all the tricks of the trade, he sniffed for cheese and found the door and broke out of the lab.

It was weird. Seeing sunlight for the first time, having always lived in cartoonland. He jumped in the first car he saw and hid under the seat.

There was a beautiful woman sitting in the back, or at least he could tell it was a beautiful woman. Because she had a beautiful red high heel shoe, and it was the expensive kind. If Jerry was a man, he would want to be with this woman. But wait, he had to escape. He could think of this woman later.

So he hid under the seat, and to his glee, the car started to move. He could see the woman was wearing some kind of fur. At least it wasn’t a hamster. He started to try and chew off his GPS tracker, because Jerry was a smart rat. I mean mouse. I mean whatever. He was a hamster.

The car sped and it sped. And then it stopped. He was in a forest. ‘YAY!’ thought Jerry. He could run away now. But then he heard two men get out of the car (it was strange, it was a woman before, but now two men), and they pulled out a body.

They dumped it in the forest. OH NO! Thought jerry. Now he couldn’t hide in the forest because the authorities would find him, and think he killed this man. Which he didn’t.

And then Jerry was tired, so he went to sleep.

When he woke up, he was in Candyland. There were flying pigs, and popsicles and candy canes… Oh wait. Different story.

So Jerry was tired. And he went to sleep.

When he woke up, he was cold because it was now wintertime. He had slept a very long time. Jerry decided he needed to get down to Atlanta Georgia, because it was warmer there.

But he could not go as a hamster. So Jerry concentrated. Realizing he had been in a cartoon lab, he could just use his imagination and become something else. He imagined, and imagined, and became a beautiful woman. A beautiful woman with a red high heel shoe, nice long legs… A beautiful woman that had flowing blond honey silk hair. A beautiful woman that was wearing lingerie… Ok, wait a sec. Different story.

Jerry became a beautiful woman. He imagined himself like Jessica Rabbit from the 1990’s movie ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’, and became her.

Of course he couldn’t speak English though, because DUH, he was a hamster.

But now he was a beautiful woman and could wave down a car to hitch a ride to Atlanta. So Jerry smiled, cocked his head to one side, and then caused a traffic accident.

Because 15 truckers had a pile on because he was too beautiful.

Hmm. Jerry realized that was not good.

But now he did not want to be blamed for the accident, or the body in the forest.

So Jerry clicked his heels three times and said ‘Theres no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home’.

Magically, Jerry disappeared, and… awwwwwwwwww SH*T!

Jerry was back at the lab. Jerry realized he was definitely not thinking when he did that. He should have gotten a magic bottle and looked for a genie instead.

But WAIT a second. Most of the lab was high, and the had plenty of bongs, er, test tubes for mixing chemicals and sh*t, so Jerry realized all he needed was one of these items.

So since Jerry was a beautiful woman now, all of the lab guys let him do whatever he wanted. Because they had never seen a woman before.

Jerry then took some of the bottles and remembered the secret to cartoon land. He could imagine different things and make them happen. So he imagined these test tubes into magic lamp genie bottles, and rubbed it. Then ‘POOF’ a genie came, and gave him three wishes.

Cool. But Jerry just realized again he had a problem. He didn’t know how to speak English because he was a freakin hamster. So some good that did him.

So he tossed the genie bottles in the garbage while he heard a couple lab techs say ‘Yaaaaaaaaaaaa man!’, and then walked out the door.

Because oh yah. He was a beautiful woman.

But this thing about walking on two legs was all very strange to him. So he wanted to be a hamster again, so imagined himself a hamster, and ran out the door.

The lab people all of the sudden realized that Jerry had escaped.

Everyone was sitting down.

Oh yeah, the lab people all of the sudden realized that Jerry had escaped.

Unfortunately though, but fortunate for Jerry, they were all too half baked to do anything.

So all the lab people just said ‘Byeeeeee Jereeeeeee!’.

And then Jerry ran off.

And then, the lab people all of the sudden realized that Jerry had escaped.

They decided to sound the alarm. Cops showed up at the door and arrested all the lab techs.

The lab techs were like ‘WTF’? And the laughed, because haha, oh yeah. They were stoked.

And then there was an explosion at the lab. Weed dust burst in the air, and then the cops got high. The cops started laughing and uncuffed all the lab techs, because they wanted the cuffs for… never mind. They were high.

So they let the lab techs go.

Jerry quickly got in the first car he saw…

It was weird. Seeing sunlight for the first time, having always lived in cartoonland. He jumped in the first car he saw and hid under the seat.

There was a beautiful woman sitting in the back, or at least he could tell it was a beautiful woman. Because she had a beautiful red high heel shoe, and it was the expensive kind. If Jerry was a man, he would want to be with this woman. But wait, he had to escape. He could think of this woman later.

But wait a sec… Hadn’t Jerry done this all before…?