𝑀𝑦 𝑀𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑑𝑦 🌺

I am the shape you made me. Filth teaches filth. 
          
          Yet you become angry at what I'm becoming. Do you see your reflection in me? Do you wish you could turn back time? Are you witnessing how I am going to become my own ruin? 

god loves me, but not enough to save me. I love god, but I am not pure enough to dare to talk to him again. 

I wish I'd just died that night. It was the perfect opportunity. 

I wish you would care about me like you're supposed to. I know I don't matter to you. I am forcing myself in a shape that isn't me to be liked by you, but you reject me in any shape. 
          
          there is always something that bothers you about me. 
          
          & there is enough big enough for you to care.

You cannot save me. You can only love me. 
          
          my fate is sealed. 

Why can't I never be enough? Why is only my body in the focus? Ain't I more than my body? Is my personality so draining that someone would focus only at my body and doesn't even try to get to know me more? 
          
          I like the kind of attention and all the compliments, no questions asked. But I just feel like an empty shell this way. As if only my body exists and nothing beneath it; as if no soul would dance inside of me, creating a beautiful place inside of me called personality, which roots into deep thoughts and feelings. 
          
          Why can't I never be enough for someone to truly love the full me, not only the shell of me? 
          

don't lie to me, I know you don't care

Sleeping so much lately because I can't stand being awake. I hate being alone like this, alone with this killing thoughts. I started with harsher sh again. 

I really wish someone would notice how bad my state is, but at the same time I don't want anyone to notice. I like the idea of getting help and being cared for, but I feel like I don't deserve help and that I am just a attention seeker. 
          
          Everything is getting worse and I all those fake smiles feel almost real. 

I think I'll never be okay.