natalia !

my mom is watching tvd and it’s REALLY making me miss kennedy in tvd…but i have to rewatch the show myself before id let myself write it because…i don’t remember it as much as i thought i did

crush update (ending)
          
          so basically me & my best friend leah stopped talking to my crush & alli after they lied about hanging out. alli and i talked and she wanted to take a break and my crush just flat out blocked my number. 
          
          so i was with leah all weekend and then alli and i talked tonight and we talked through everything because our fight was over the stupidest shit. and we let a man (my crush) get between us and that’s DUMB.
          
          she told me my crush doesn’t like me very much and he doesn’t wanna be friends with me. so that’s funny CAUSE IM FRIENDS WITH HIS SISTER HAHAHAHA and he told her not to talk to me and she was like no<3  
          
          his sister doesn’t like alli tho which is fine. alli has been my friend since i was 13 tho and i don’t wanna lose that because of some dude she’s known for a couple months. 
          
          but that’s the end of the crush saga. it sucks because i cared about him as a friend butttt oh well. the universe is letting go shit i don’t need and he’s one of them. i have alli, leah, his sister, and my other friends i made through leah so im okay!! i’m also friends with my ex and another dude from our high school again so im not gonna let this one random dude who barely knows me affect me. i’m moving on:)

i think my crush and my best friend are back to having a fling and they’re lying about it teehee

i’ve been watching glee (i just finished s3) & is it normal for me to have a hard time getting into season 4??? i have seen random scenes and episodes from s4-6 but mannnn idk i just can’t get into it rn

relapsing fucking sucks dude 

some sad pretty words about my crush<3
          
          it sucks knowing i won’t be willing to even look in the direction of a man because once my heart sets on you it will not budge until your own clasp around mine and pry them off of you and you tell me to love them instead. every guy will have to be compared to you and get your permission to be gazed at with a minuscule amount of shimmer in my eyes. there will be no sparkle, no. but a glint. a glint of a feeling maybe i could and should feel, but i won’t want to. because frankly, they’re not you.
          
          you wonder why i already know this, besides, our romance was fleeting and only a few weeks, why would it have changed so much? but the truth is very simple. the unrequited love lasted much longer than what we shared. and this realization had already began to settle into my skin and eat at my bone marrow before you even uttered the words “it’s her”. and part of me will silently hope that again you will find yourself back at my doorstep, ready to love someone who is already so willing to love you with the power of the sun and every star behind her. someone ready to show you what true unconditional love could be if you so chose it. 
          
          and that, my dear sunshine, is why i can’t look at another man the way i look at you. 

CRUSH UPDATE
          
          after ghosting me for days but still talking in our group chats and such he texted me. basically saying he was scared of his feelings for me so he squashed them all because a) he’s not ready , b) he doesn’t feel like he deserves it , etc etc. here’s some quotes that hurt me so yall can feel my pain
          
          “I really do care about you and I always wanted everythin to be perfect for you. Just to make you smile and make you laugh. I just wanted you to have a spark in your life. I really did want to give that to you,”
          
          “I was scared to get back the part of me that was ready to be loved by someone and cared about. I was scared to commit to someone again and not know if they were gonna stay in my life. I was scared of fuckin somethin up and saying somethin to hurt your feelings. I really just got in my head and told myself that I’m not good enough to have this and I shouldn’t be happy with someone. I just realized that I’m also not ready for a relationship.”
          
          “You are a wonderful girl and the next person is gonna be so lucky to have you. They are gonna bring joy to your days and never make you stop smiling. I know you were hoping I could be that one for you. I know how excited you were to find out that I liked you.”
          
          AND MY FAVORITE AND THE ONE THAT MADE ME AND MY SISTER SOB 
          
          “I know all the feelings you have for me even if you never said it.”

my ex hit me up and i didn’t tell anyone (because it was weird and i needed to process) and now my crush might not like me anymore teehee

he still likes me<3 
          
          apparently i was in a very triggered state and i was spiraling and had no idea<3 and then i talked to him and he made me feel kinda dumb but like tbh i needed the stern reality check
          
          and then he called me sunshine, sweetheart, and cutie and i feel happy now and im gonna awkwardly ignore how he was acting today cause it was icky

i think my crush doesn’t like me anymore 
          
          anyways