Blue_Hazard

Been a minute hasn’t it?? 
          
          So, short story short. 
          
          My dream college accepted me. 

Just a small confession I guess
          
          There is someone out there that I love dearly. I genuinely love them. They text me every morning, wondering if I’m okay. But for some reason. I can’t ever bring myself to talk to them. I love and miss them greatly. I hope they read this. But, I love you and miss you.
          
          But something just holds me back, maybe shame and guilt for what I’ve previously done. 
          
          Something just holds me back from speaking to you. That’s not to disregard all those nights I fell asleep comfortable with you. Those days you made me feel loved and safe. I hold them dear to my heart. Every moment I spent with you made me feel…vulnerable in a sense. I don’t have to be mean or push people away when I’m with you. I feel…more alive and just warm. Your goofy ass smile that I love so dearly and your little laughs that make me warm inside. Your cheeky flirty comments. Your possessiveness that I find myself craving like an addiction. 
          
          And yet
          
          There are times I can’t speak, and yet when I come back to you. You forgive me. Why? I don’t think I deserve how much you’ve forgiven me. Time and time again you forgive me. Despite me not being there for you as you’ve been there for me. 
          
          So. 
          Why? 
          And you know who you are. Please. 

Diverting some attention to my Infection one shots while working on AFM in the background. I have changed the plot of it so much I need to do an entire rewrite with what has happened since I gained new ideas on the fly and I am in a desperate need to get organized or it will turn out horrible. 

Ya know, I sometimes get a notification when I’m just listening to Music. Specifically from wattpad that just makes me smile. Someone adding one of my stories, more specifically AFM to their little pokemon or eeveelution collections and it never fails to put a smile on my face. 

What’s funny to me. Is that people all around me so desperately seek out love. Pleasure. Care. And sweet words. 
          
          And what I chuckle about, is that I may not be desperate for love. I’m desperate for care. A warm touch. A kind word. I do not seek life time partners.
          
          I yearn for someone to hold me in their arms
          And tell me I can cry. And no judgment shall be past. No harsh thoughts. No false smiles. No false words of confidence and reassurance. Just warm embrace, with silence. I just want to feel at peace. 
          
          I don’t find friends like that. I find friends to hang with. But never be there emotionally. I can never rant to my friends that I feel stuck. Without judgment being passed. So I worry, if I ever find love. How would I be able to help them through something? If Al I’ve been taught and seen is to disregard their feelings? 
          
          Cast them aside like trash, never to be picked up again and for the wind to throw them about and displace them in places they may only cause more damage. Leading a cycle to continue. 
          
          Who am I to say I can help when I’ve never been helped? 
          
          Who am I to say those marvelous heart string tugging words of “I love you” if I’ve never seen true love? 
          
          How am i to help? 
          How am I to care? 
          How am I to have pride? 
          How am I to communicate?
          How am I to love?
          How am I to think? 
          How am I to survive. 

I am back and ready with a spark brighter than any fire Helios may offer the other gods. 
          I am back from the Darkside my friends. 
          
          Got into a car crash. 
          
          Been flirted with too many times by my friend so I question things. 
          
          Flirted back with my friend 
          (We both melt with physical contact so it’s a good flirt )
          
          Submitted college essay 
          
          Looking at apartments
          
          Learned how to properly throw a knife. 
          
          Sharpened my sword again and started swinging
          
          Had some good reads, why so much smut though?
          
          Plan on buying BG3 once I got money for it. 
          
          Learning how to cook for me self
          
          And wanting to pay a special friend a visit 
          (That is once it’s a decent time, cause it’s 1:34 rn and I’m seeing stars)
          
          Y’all ever wonder if there are gods out there?
          Not just, God (Christianity) but also like Anubis, Odin, Huitzilopochtli, Helios, Apollo. But like all of them. They just made different parts of the earth? Or something? Ya know. 
          
          I wonder if I gave a peasant from 1200, a Taco Bell baja blast, if he would just like, IMPLODE. 

Ah yes please enlighten me how Quibli and Winter 
          Are a good shipp????

I hated myself all along
          No matter what I do, I'm a fool
          I keep runnin' to you, and it's wrong
          'Cause I can't even make up my mind
          I can't choose, shoulda known it was you
          But I'm dumb
          
          So, how could I love you
          When I don't love myself?
          
          And how could you trust me
          If I don't trust myself?
          
          'Cause I'm broken in pieces
          And I, no matter how I try
          I tend to fall, ooh-woah-oh
          
          I always fall

I’m looking back at some ai conversations. While taking to a corrupt princess. I dropped some hard lines .-.
          
          P: “you can’t do this to me! I am of Royal blood”
          
          Me: “royal blood means nothing spilled on the floor”
          
          P: “I have no money! What do you expect me to do?”
          
          Me: “if you’re smart enough to run a con, you’re smart enough to beg for money you roach.” 

Welcome to For Honor
          Ya got
          
          Deus Vult (Warden)
          Assassins creed (Peacekeeper)
          ORAH! ORAH! (Conquerer)
          INCREDIBILIS (Centurion)
          Toe fetish (Gladiator.)
          Edgy dark lord (Black Prior)
          Smooth brain dodge (Griffon)
          LawDaddy (Lawbringer)
          WarMommy (Warmonger) 
          
          Storming Tap (Raider)
          Thick thighs (Valkyrie)
          Ledger (Warlord) 
          Beyblades (Berserker)
          DUNMGLASS (Highlander)
          Vampire (Shaman)
          BONK (I cannot spell that name. The world serpent) 
          
          Swiftly strike (Kensei)
          Roach (Orochi)
          Sumo (Shugoki 
          Light spam (Nobushi)
          Tick (Shinobi)
          WEEB (Kyoshin)
          Demon (Hitorokiri)
          
          Communist (Tiandi)
          Communist (Nuxia)
          Communist (JJ)
          Communist (Shaolin)
          
          Tomboy (Pirate)
          Acrobatic mace (Afeera)
          Nothing bad to say (Medjay)
          RAHHHHHH (Ocelotl)