Blake

wow you're a U.S. Army Soldier! That's so cool! It really caught my attentio to come and check you out. Mainly because one of my family members and my best friend are going to be called up sometime this month in January. I feel so sad and try my best not to think about and not cry. By the way Thanks for protecting our nation! We really love you!

Hey everybody, sorry its taking me so long to write another part. I've been really busy and had a lot of training lately. As soon as I can I'll get the next part up. 

@Bwriter In that case, don't get clever.  Do the dialogue with just normal speech, and then read it out loud.  Not in a mutter under your breath, really out loud, if as you were an actor.  You'll soon hear what sounds right and what doesn't.
          
          You could have the two guys using shorter sentences, with more four letter words, and perhaps have him stumbling a little (a few "um"s) when he's talking to Valerie.  If you like, you could have the professor speak in a very formal way, because he's lecturing, not having a conversation.
          
          A good trick is to listen to dialogue in television shows.  It sounds natural, but if you listen carefully, you'll hear there's none of the "How are you? I'm fine. How's the wife?  Away on a yoga weekend" that real people do.  They only discuss stuff that's relevant to the show.  
          

@Ctyolene Specifically on the conversation with Valerie I was trying to get across (how they are trained to walk) by her comment and more and the social training through his explanation of what he said. I had trouble with that and wanted it to almost appear as though they spoke that strange on purpose. I did it rather badly, I'm going to try to fix it. Although all the changes I make I probably won't fix on Wattpad for awhile, but it'll be in the real version on my computer.

Actually it may be tomorrow, I have to scrub all I've made so far of the next part. Too much description, too boring. 1,500 to redo -_-

@Ctyolene Ok, thank you. Dialogue and conversation are my weakest points by far. Also Marcus isn't military, just civilian in a Military run world. So they've been trained in tasks and drills but not combat or weapons in anyway. Since that was confusing I'll try to go back emphasize that more or change things around. Thank you for the advice, I'll try to find some way to do less description, I like it so it'll be a challenge.

Done, with Unit Skills training for a while, going to have more free time to write (and sleep). I'm going to try and release the next part of Mind of Gray tonight. Find out what the Echelon really is.

Not sure if that's what you wanted to hear.  Lots of potential, but I feel you are starting with the background rather than your character.  For what it's worth, an amazing number of stories really start at chapter 3, and skilled writers know when to go back and cut chapter 1 and 2. 

Helllooooo:) just stopped by to say hello to you and congratulations on makingthe wats hot list:) nice job. I have added mind of grey to my library and shall read it ( one day:) hahha j will try to read it because it obviously is a good book if it made it to the wats hot list!!? Also could you check out my two books please if u have the time or watever??? They are
          Th guy that changed me forever!! Not a werewolf or vampire love story
          And
          Perfect not a werewolf or vampire love story either:)
          Almighty then would love your feedback votes and everything else:)
          Bye:)

Basic rule, don't open with weather or description.  I would start with the sound of gunfire in the distance, that's much more interesting than sunbeams.  But your whole first chapter could be cut.  You've described a building in detail, and a man whose description amounts to "average brown haired man", and nothing interesting happens.  
          
          I perked up a bit at Marcus and Dominick, but there was too much set-up and description, and not enough sense of personality, and nothing to make me worry about the characters.
          
          In the mugging incident, I couldn't understand what had happened, the description was too sporadic.  If Marcus is some sort of military, surely his training should supersede his instinct to throw himself to the ground like that? 
          
          That conversation with Valerie freaked me out.  Read it out loud, and then see if you can think of any way real people would say that.  
          
          Okay, as it stands, the story needs a lot of work before you could approach a publisher or agent.  The main problem is that you haven't yet got to the point where the story really starts.  So far, it's all set-up, you are introducing the reader to your world, rather than dumping Marcus into a pile of trouble.
          
          You obviously have a very well developed world, and you know how it works.  The trick is to put this world into the background and focus all the attention on Marcus, so that the reader picks up the details of the world without realising it.  You'll have to weave the details in as you go, rather than giving big lumps of description.
          
          As a rule, try not to introduce backstory or flashbacks before chapter three, and not then if you can avoid it.  Start with your hero in a scene where something happens that alters his world.  
          
          On a technical note,  I think your sentences and paragraphs are too long.  Aim for about 15 words per sentence, and three sentences per paragraph.  Sometimes you have to go more, but not too often.  Big paragraphs encourage your reader to skip over to the next one.