Kettle_Corn94

VENT!!
          
          I feel like fucking shit. I need an outlet but I just don't have a good, trust worthy one. I love my closest friend in my grade but I just feel like she doesn't understand me in the way I need her to and no one ever reads these things. I have a band friend that I would love to spill fucking everything to, but she can't dealing people venting so I'm just bottling everything up. I've been out of therapy for almost 8 months now and my mum won't sign the papers for me to go to the school therapist. I don't trust the counselor either, she don't know how to keep her mouth shut. 
          
          So much has fucking happen this month. Plus one of my closest friends are fucking graduating next year. Some real fucked shit has happened, and I'm just not in the right mind set for change that I *have* to be in. I just hate this all. Why can't shit just stay alright? Why does shit have to do this. I fucking hate this. I hate it so much.
          
          To make shit worse, I feel like a fucking outcast in every group I'm in. In my band group, everyone has know each other longer than I have so they talk more. In my grade friends, I've gotten so distanced from them cause of band and having to recharge that now they're all closer and I just feel like a burden to them now. I feel like I have no one and it sucks. But I've always had no one so I don't fucking understand why it's becoming an issue now. It's been bottled up for so long why can't it just fucking stay.
          
          Everything fucking hurts mentally. I just want someone I can pull into a tight hug and cry all my worries away. I know I won't get that though. I'm too much of a bitch to get close enough to anyone for allow me to do that. I fucking hate this. All can think is why why why why why. I want so badly to just fucking smash my head into a wall until my pain goes away.

I feel so fucking bad bro. One of my friends msged me and asked for answers for an assignment I don't remember because they needed it done to go on our field trip. I genuinely don't remember it so I had them ask another friend but I feel like an ass. Today has not gone well :/

Y'know, sometimes I forget about the shit that I write until I'm trying to swipe out of my apps and I see a glimpse of the last thing I wrote. I immediately swipe it away cause it's like holy shit sometimes lol

I just remembered something nice from gym yesterday. For whatever reason the guys in our gym class insist that we do teams as girls plus the two "overpowered" boys vs the boys. The girls just kinda made two lines with 4 girls really up front and the last four pretty far back so that the guys have an area to run to catch the ball. Half the time the boys on the other team just throw the ball to the boys on our team so we just don't do much. I started like patting a beat on my legs while I was waiting for something interesting to happen. One of the girls I'm like familiar with and talk to but not real close to was standing next to me. I noticed she started drumming a beat on her legs too but I didn't think much about it. After she had to pause so she could catch the ball, she looked at me, did the same rhythm, and then asked if she was doing it right referring to the rhythm I was drumming. I listened for a minute and confirmed it was right. It was something small, but it was kinda sweet in my mind. 
          
          Also, very off topic, but I think it's so funny how the girls have just kinda fallen into a routine of where to stand at. Whenever we do get into lines, we all stand in the same spots as before, no matter which side of the net we're on. If we're on the left side of the net, I'm on the right side of the line, if we're on the right side, I'm on the left side of the line. It's nice. Like we all have places that we stand and if one person is taking a minute to get back into the game their spot is open cause we all like the spots we got. It's interesting lol

Omg I just remembered something fucking insane that happened Tuesday. I was in the lunch line with three of my friends waiting to get my food while the boys behind me were rough housing with each other. One of these guys, a grade below me, got pushed into me twice and both times he touched my ass. On the second time I obviously turned around and told him to stop touching me. He turned around to face me, screamed "SHUT UP," and then proceeded to bark at me. I was very much agitated so I just turned around and explained why I turned around to talk to the shithead to my friends. He barked at me for like a solid minute or two and one of my friends said, "someone needs to call the pound." And I just started fucking dying.
          
          Later I went outside cause I was still kinda pissed and I couldn't stand to be in the lunch room at the time. One of my friends who was in line with me walked out like he normally does and walked over to his friends. I sit not too far from them so ig he saw me and walked over to talk to me. He said, "Hey, KC, let me know if that neo-nazi fuck touches your ass again." I smiled at him with like a bitter-ish sorta smile and told him I would. He turned and went back to his friends. Sometimes I forget that people care for me so it really made me feel nice that he cared. I was also walking up with two of the friends that were in the line with me when AD, the protective one happened to have caught up with us and he was tellin m about how that fuck was racist and shit and I was like "tell me about it. I used to have to listen to him scream the n word in the back of the bus." I genuinely hate that kid and I can't wait for the day I can finally get the fuck away from him

I think the way I act with my band friend group is kinda sweet but it prolly gets annoying at times. One of my friends calls me her golden retriever because when I'm not doing something I follow people around like a lost puppy. I also wait for her at my locker cause she has to pass it to get to the band room and whenever I see her come around the corner I can feel my face light up. I'm sure the following gets annoying at times, but it could be endearing to some lol. I'm happy being the group's golden retriever if it makes them happy or get a good laugh. I love my friends lol. Sorry for the sentimental shit, I just spent like the last hr crying on and off so I'm in my feels lol

I was at a competition this weekend and this weird guy was messaging me so I gave my phone to A cause he wanted to reply. While we were waiting he was just kinda scrolling through the people I have added. I let him cuase like I have nothing to hide and idrc that much about him doing that. After scrolling to almost the bottom he paused and gave me a look like really? Wtf? He showed me my phone and asked what is this? I look at where he's pointing and I just start laughing. One of my friend's inside jokes that we have is that he's my drug dealer so I have him saved in my phone as 'Drug Man' and A found it and thought I might have been doing drugs and that's so fucking funny to me bro

Fuckkerrrr
          
          My marimba besties invited me out for dinner to hang out and shit and otw back to my house we were listening to on of L's playlist. It was filled with shit like Benson Boone and his type o music, so for me the vibes are like happy but nostalgic. At one point I started taking a video of the sunset (cause I find you get better pictures from the videos) and I listened back to it and it just makes me so mushy. And the thing is that these guys are graduating next year and I swear I am gonna fuckin cry bro. I already feel like I'm gonna cry just thinkin bout them leaving. The fact that like half the people I talk to regularly in band are graduating next year is gonna fucking kill me. Idk how I'm gonna survive band without em lol. Jesus christ am I a fucking sap-

Vent
          
          I feel like fucking shit. Today was so fucking rough. I went to be late cause I was reading and slept past my alarm. Almost fell asleep in my history class while we watched a movie and would've fucked everything up for our seats. People in math were also being absolute fucking idiots. I got home, ate, slept for an hr, slept through another alarm, woke up to my mother, got ready for practice, fell asleep on the couch while I waited, pretty much late to practice cause I was moving so slow. I got to practice a few mins late and nothing is fucking moved at all, which by now it should've at least been in the process of it. We started moving shit and people were just being fucking stupid about it. I couldn't find my mallets, found them, got overwhelmed cause we were getting yelled at for dynamics ever tho we *just* fucking changed them the last few practices. And on the way home we fucking hit a raccoon. I'm now sitting in my room fucking crying cause I feel like absolute shit. Probably my worst birthday to date. I'm just so fucking tired man.

Bro I've been celebrating my birthday today because I won't be home very much on my actual birthday and jesus has it thrown me off. I'm like "it's my birthday today!... Nope it's actual not todayy-"