@Magi_Kanus
Weird thing tonight for the people who may or may not read these, and don't worry, it ain't another thing about my friends. I'm currently sick, apparently it's the flu, but that's besides the point, I can speak almost perfect Spanish when I'm sick. Like, what the hell? ¿Qué pasa con eso?
You ever had that one friend who constantly goes back to the same ex? Despite warnings and such like? The same thing has been happening to my friend. She keeps going back to him and it's like UGGHHH
ARGH! My best friend's boyfriend has been cheating on her! Getting nudes from another girl. All the while saying that she's his one true love. That he's nothing without her. A YEAR AND A HALF of them arguing and him saying that he's sorry and he won't do it again and that he gets really possessive and JEALOUS AND THEN DOING IT AGAIN and me forgiving him because I can understand wanting to protect her. FUCKING HELL. PEOPLE! God.
Yo peeps (Gross) I think I did something. Perhaps not something original but... something. My new story is a bit of a Choose Your Own Adventure story. By a bit I mean it is. I'm probably never gonna finish it and It'll definitely take yonks to finish.
So I kinda made another story (That I probably won't finish) and it feels good so far. I'm terribly sorry about the other night btw, and for the books I've since taken down like Beyond and so on...
Sometimes I sit in bed and I think about all the times I've hurt myself and my friends and family and I think "Why do I bother? All I've done, all I've said, all I've lost and all I've destroyed, why do I keep pretending I'm okay?"
I can't answer this question, I never can and I probably never will. So why do I keep letting it control me? Why do I let my fear of losing everything make me feel like I don't deserve anything?
Because that's how I was raised? Not to think for myself but to always follow orders? Not to believe in education despite it's many obvious flaws but to believe that intelligence is something you're born with? Is it because I've done terrible things, I'm not a saint or a hero or a good person.
So what if I've done good things and made people happy? Their affection will never make up for the people I've hurt, the horrible words I've said, the friendships I've broken up. Nothing will.
Maybe that's why. Maybe I let myself be molded by my fear because otherwise I'm a terrible person? Worse than I ever was before? If I let go of fear, what's stopping me from becoming somebody worse?
My self doubts plague me once more. They won't stop and I do not think they ever will. Maybe we shall speak again, or rather I speak and you listen. I'm not a fan of social interaction.
@Magi_Kanus Dealing with self-doubts is very difficult, I'm currently experiencing myself. I haven't found a solution either, but I know that if I give up now, I won't be able to encounter happier times. Because I'll never know what the future looks like if I stop now. And even if that's the only thing I'm holding on to, it's enough to make me stay. Enough to make me stand through all this. I can't tell you to adapt the same view as me and I won't, but keep in mind that nothing is only ever bad, even if it feels like it all the time. Bad things seem to overshadow all the memories you have of the last weeks. But there were always some small, happy ones, even if you forgot them. Don't give up on yourself. It's okay to feel bad about it. It's okay if you feel consumned by it. But there will always be some light in the darkness. There were happy times, and they will come again. And sometimes the latter just needs time. But you have achieved things, and by standing through this you keep achieving something. It shows that you're strong, even if it makes you feel weak.
Just found out that Noah Beck is a real person who's a Tik Tok star and if I don't change my protagonist's name to something else, anyone who reads my story is gonna think I'm some 14 year old with a Tik Tok obsession