Terrible Person

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, they drew their swords and shot each other. Deaf policemen heard the noise, came and shot the two dead boys. If you don't believe this story is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

Just met a guy. Omg he was so fit. Handsome even. Never will I meet a guy like him again. Caring. Emotional. Nice. And his name was the first letter of each sentence.

I saw a fake skeleton for sale today for $849 and I was like wtf i could get a real skeleton for free fuck that then I remembered murder is illegal.

How can u face ur problems when ur face is the problem

don't you hate it when youre in a relationship but the other person doesn't know

Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: Laughs hysterically, makes pterodactyl noise, transforms into a potato and rolls out the door and away into the sunset.

having your favorite character be a minor character is like being a proud mother at a school play and cheering everytime your kid comes on stage even though they're playing the part of tree #3

What type of currency do they use in outer space? Starbucks.

Your icon is violently in love with you for 5 weeks how screwed are you

at my funeral there is going to be a closed casket and then it will be opened to reveal that I am not inside. Instead, they will turn on the ceiling fan and my lifeless body will swing around the room while the space jam theme song playing in the background.
Nevermind my mom says I can't do that.

Guys if I cut off my right butt cheek would I be left behind? ((I'll give you a minute))

Our parents warned us about middle aged men stalking us on the internet but oh how the tables have turned.

Alone on Mars, the Curiosity Rover sings itself Happy Birthday every year on August the 5th.

My lief is tumblr and netflix