Charles Rowen

Hey. I miss talking to you.

Do you ever miss someone so badly it hurts deep inside your chest? It starts out as just a dull aching, but turns into something totally different every time you think about that person? You start to cry every time you hear anything that sounds remotely close to their name. You nearly fall to your knees every time you watch Adventure Time and see all the princesses and you remember your blue haired Princess. You can feel your heart breaking every time you see someone with blue hair. Any name that starts with an 'M' makes you think of her. It makes you crazy. Especially when the only way of contact is through something that is only accessible at school because your mother is extremely over protective. I can't even focus at school. My best friend in this new town has blue hair... I feel like my heart is being shattered every time I read through our messages. I can't function. It hurts too much to even think about you. What's crazy is that  I am trying to forget you. Because I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to see you, but then again I know what I'm going to do when I can't. I'm going to seek the comfort of my sharp little friend. I know you hate that and I don't even know why I'm saying this. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't even know why this is even public. I just want to say something I guess. I can't talk directly to you because it will literally cause collateral damage to my mental state of health which is already fucked up. I just want you. I really need you. I am tired of pretending that I'm ok when I'm really not. It's not even your fault that I miss you so much. I am so thankful that you were such a phenomenal lover to me. If I were to off myself in the next 5 minutes, I would probably find a way to tell you before I do it. I would find a way to have you here for my last days before I go 6 feet under. I would want you to sing at my funeral because you know how much I love your voice. Did you know that nearly every story I've written for the past 3 or 4 months have had a character named Megan? There's always going to be a piece of you. I would like for it to stay that way. Maybe one day I will begin to accept and embrace the pain in my heart and the aching in my brain. Maybe one day  I will be with you with our 7 Asian babies. That's all I want though. I would be able to die a satisfied death if I just simply had you and if there was an us. If I had ever kissed you, I could have been hit by a bus in the next instant and be happy. I'd do it with a smile on my face. I'm crying now and in class so I guess I should stop.

She is so perfect

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