Nick

I swear hate everything ffs.

We have these people living their fullest lives with a good intention
          As we all sit down having these stupid conversations
          I kept asking why did we have to live a life
          That was not ever meant to be mine
          Just lost in my own mind..
          Wasting my time.
          Wishing everything was fine. 
          
          I live my life from an endless void to birth
          Continuing down a path questioning my worth
          I wanted to ask why I felt empty inside
          But I noticed why the hell do I cry outside
          With endless tears forming in shine
          With an unbreakable smile, still lying.
          Here I am thinking when am I dying? 
          
          I live my life being constantly undercover
          With a childish heart born into wonder.
          Then the tales of all time begin to arise
          Leaving all my questions to remain as "whys"
          Thinking all the kings, the great and the wise..
          Will always face their darkest demise
          I live my life- 
          
          I live my life in a soft warm bed, asking myself why where and when?
          Until I truly witness my inevitable end..but then.
          Your teardrops dry the seething Sun
          Feeling you were the chosen one
          Until you realized trees started wilting all around
          All bright smiles turned a frown
          So please let me cry safe and sound..

I ain't feel the same since I lost myself, don't
          Count the memories but they haunt my head
          I've been feeling low yeah, I've been feeling dead but
          I'm numb to pain, Just like novocaine... 
          
          You taught me I had purpose and used that to my advantage
          And gave me life advice when I was dead, took it for granted
          The only fucking person who saw potential not damage
          Loved someone and watched them die that's just how god planned it.. 
          
          Remember the day they told me that you were dead
          I know you people were rude, til' they pushed you over the edge
          I just hoped the pain ain't last homie not for a sec
          I wonder if you popped pills or had a rope at your neck 
          
          You're the one who broke my back for a drop and respect
          Always told keep on living, never thought I'd be dead
          Told myself I had no time to see you stuck in my head
          Crazy how we clipped in place when I found out about my death 
          
          Now blood is all on my hands, and I don't know what to do
          I should've seen all of the signs, I was going through it all too
          But you smiled at my face and told me keep on pushing through
          Now I realized that I should've said the same thing to you.. 
          
          I swear to god that in that moment everything stopped
          I never really been religious but started screaming to god
          Ask him why he take away someone who did nothing wrong
          Tired of people telling me it's only to make me strong..

I fucking...I fucking hate everything...THE FUCK AM I..IT'S ALWAYS ME...WHY ALWAYS ME.. JUST FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY OKAY..I never asked to be in this situation at first...I hate everything..when will I ever have a good touch on anything..
          
          Just kill me...I know im nothing compared to him..just..kill me..it's not easy..being who I am.. IT'S NOT EASY trying to keep a smile..trying to laugh..BUT NO...IM DUMBFUCKED...Im tired. I cry and cry..I try not to..but I'm always fucked up..
          
          You never understood my situation..my perspective..the intents of my heart and mind...I just..want to be someone accepted..someone loved..just because you found your "perfect" life you can ruin my IMPERFECT life..you ruined everything..me as a child..your son...yet..an accident of a child..unplanned..unwanted..constantly fucked over and over my this shitass stepfather..IM TRYING IM TRYING!..I want to be someone I can be..
          
          I can't do anything but just smile as I walk through that door..what can I do with this shitass voice that deals no impact...who am I as a person to make people happy?..I FUCKING CANT DO ANYTHING ANYMORE...NOTHING!!!
          
          This life is bullshit...my life is bullshit...things..were never okay...things will never..be okay..KILL ME...FOR GOD FUCKING SAKE...im shit..im trash..im a miscalculation..im a bad person..IM ALL FUCKED UP..
          
          I dont want anyone to worry..but if things end..its just pure shit..
          
          FUCK FUCK FUCK!

You said I was happy but I was constantly pained
          You said I was happy but I was constantly drained
          You said I was happy but I was constantly scared
          You said I was happy but I only cared
          You said I was happy but I was constantly stressed
          You said I was happy but I was constantly depressed!!! 
          
          You were a fuel lit by her flame sought by rage
          Her mind was wiped-out, like a deceitful plague
          Justice is a strong word, enough to shackle a neck
          This subtleness has brought upon a wreck...
          As I realized revenge is a grave for both our sins
          For both impurities, can no longer be rinsed.. 
          
          You said I no longer need you but I was constantly in need
          You said I was happy but I was constantly weak
          You said I was happy but I was constantly fighting..
          You said I was happy but I was constantly trying
          You said I was happy but I constantly emotional 
          
          You've burned what once was already burnt
          A hopeful fire, now burned to ash, ash returned..
          You constantly cut what once was cut..
          Trickling blood seeking escape, now dried out...
          A confident voice now mute, and no noise...
          Once standing proud, constantly losing poise.. 
          
          Constantly, I cried for your return..
          Constantly, I heard the dead calm sea churn...
          Constantly, I tried sparking the memories..
          Yet, you made me hope for a lasting story.
          Yet, you made me hear the crashing regrets..
          Yet, you made me want to only forget. 
          
          Forget what I constantly hoped to fix..

hii bmf

Hope your doing ok :)

Let the night consume your thoughts...
          And the shadows slowly cover your mind..
          Drowning you as you fought...
          Then you suddenly just flatline..

Listen to my feet walk on wooden floors
          Amongst these shut doors...
          When I speak of a story beyond lost lore..
          Blood spills and fills my nights horror..
          
          I didnt deserve a life. I swear

You said I was happy but I was constantly pained
          You said I was happy but I was constantly drained
          You said I was happy but I was constantly scared
          You said I was happy but I only cared
          You said I was happy but I was constantly stressed
          You said I was happy but I was constantly depressed!!! 
          
          You were a fuel lit by her flame sought by rage
          Her mind was wiped-out, like a deceitful plague
          Justice is a strong word, enough to shackle a neck
          This subtleness has brought upon a wreck...
          As I realized revenge is a grave for both our sins
          For both impurities, can no longer be rinsed.. 
          
          You said I no longer need you but I was constantly in need
          You said I was happy but I was constantly weak
          You said I was happy but I was constantly fighting..
          You said I was happy but I was constantly trying
          You said I was happy but I constantly emotional 
          
          You've burned what once was already burnt
          A hopeful fire, now burned to ash, ash returned..
          You constantly cut what once was cut..
          Trickling blood seeking escape, now dried out...
          A confident voice now mute, and no noise...
          Once standing proud, constantly losing poise.. 
          
          Constantly, I cried for your return..
          Constantly, I heard the dead calm sea churn...
          Constantly, I tried sparking the memories..
          Yet, you made me hope for a lasting story.
          Yet, you made me hear the crashing regrets..
          Yet, you made me want to only forget. 
          
          Forget what I constantly hoped to fix..