Night

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i want to hurt her back so fucking much, why does she get to come and say all of this shit to me, make me want to kill myself and make me believe that nobody likes me and they all want me to fuck off and die, and then i can’t do anything back because she’s a “popular person” and i’m a mentally fucked person that they can lock up the second that i hurt anyone or myself because they have me medicated and they know what’s wrong with me.

I just told some of my friends what it's like being an older sibling in my house and their fucking jaws dropped

awesome, lovely, so fucking nice of you to come into my room and ruin my mood.
          
          You know what I have so much fucking stuff I'm already expected to do and I do it, I organise to do all of the things.
          
          I sit through hours of you talking about all of the things I need to do to make sure that I even have a decent fucking life.
          
          But can't I just be tired?
          Can't you just respect that I've had an injury that means I can't do this shit?
          
          Can't you respect that I'm in pain?
          
          CAN'T YOU GET MY EXPLANATION THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL?
          
          I'm so sorry you thought you could drag me into another commitment today.
          
          It's the holidays, I'm supposed to have a break from everything.
          
          There was't supposed to be a funeral and then a billion social commitments.
          
          I don't want to have to talk to people.
          
          I don't want to have to walk 20,000 steps a day.
          
          I can't walk that far everyday, my fucking knee will kill me if I do.
          
          You known what? I've done a  million more things than you these holidays and all of them because you committed me to them, I didn't want to do anything I just wanted to sleep and watch gilmore girls.
          
          And guess what? I haven't seen any of my friends for 2 weeks because I was sick the last week of term and none of the ones who I thought cared about me have messaged me once.
          
          None of them care, and I can't let her kill herself.
          
          She said on the last day I was at school that if she still felt worthless when she was 15 she would kill herself, and it's her birthday tomorrow.
          
          And I haven't seen my therapist for over a month and I need to talk to her.

Sometimes I wish my friends would look at these conversations and see how much I don't burden them with. How much shit I don't share

I have OCD, I have OCD!! I have a reason why i do all of the fucking things but the fucking thing is I don't feel like I deserve the diagnosis, why not? Because I don't get the intrusive thoughts that make me do the things, I just have the general vibe of something bad will happen if you don't walk up the stairs right, or if you don't count the windows something will happen, or I have to count as a way to relax, I've almost popped my fingers out of their sockets counting them and yet I don't feel like I'm sick enough to say that I have OCD. I don't feel like the doctor that told me I do is right because the only intrusive thoughts I have are to shove a fucking knife in the toaster as I make my breakfast and so I don't feel sick enough.
          
          I don't feel like I deserve to be treated like I'm sick and I wish I stopped telling people everything because when people say that I shouldn't be in a position of leadership because of my anxiety and OCD and give it to someone less deserving it fucking hurts.
          
          IT HURTS BECAUSE I DESERVE THAT I WORKED FOR THREE YEARS TO GET THAT SHIT AND YOU GIVE IT TO THAT FUCKING BITCH.
          
          THAT BITCH WHO I TOLD I LIKED HIM AND SHE STARTED DATING HIM A MONTH LATER.
          
          I DON't have crushes.
           I never like people.
          He's the first person I've liked since primary school.
          
          and I hate her.
          but i have to be nice because she "doesn't know" that she did anything wrong.
          SHE DOESN"T KNOW HOW MUCH SHE HURT ME.

I have OCD, I have OCD!! I have a reason why i do all of the fucking things but the fucking thing is I don't feel like I deserve the diagnosis, why not? Because I don't get the intrusive thoughts that make me do the things, I just have the general vibe of something bad will happen if you don't walk up the stairs right, or if you don't count the windows something will happen, or I have to count as a way to relax, I've almost popped my fingers out of their sockets counting them and yet I don't feel like I'm sick enough to say that I have OCD. I don't feel like the doctor that told me I do is right because the only intrusive thoughts I have are to shove a fucking knife in the toaster as I make my breakfast and so I don't feel sick enough.
          
          I don't feel like I deserve to be treated like I'm sick and I wish I stopped telling people everything because when people say that I shouldn't be in a position of leadership because of my anxiety and OCD and give it to someone less deserving it fucking hurts.
          
          IT HURTS BECAUSE I DESERVE THAT I WORKED FOR THREE YEARS TO GET THAT SHIT AND YOU GIVE IT TO THAT FUCKING BITCH.
          
          THAT BITCH WHO I TOLD I LIKED HIM AND SHE STARTED DATING HIM A MONTH LATER.
          
          I DON't have crushes.
           I never like people.
          He's the first person I've liked since primary school.
          
          and I hate her.
          but i have to be nice because she "doesn't know" that she did anything wrong.
          SHE DOESN"T KNOW HOW MUCH SHE HURT ME.

I just saw a post on tumblr by someone saying that they (an eldest daughter) won't get into arguments for their siblings, and I want to cry.
          
          I fucking wish I didn't have to go downstairs when I heard screaming.
          
          I wish I didn't have to yell and protect what I want to do so that my younger sibling doesn't have to.
          
          I wish I wasn't the one awake until late at night to make sure everyone went to bed okay.
          
          I wish I could say "Nah I don't get into arguments with my parents"
          
          I fucking wish that I didn't resent and fear my younger sibling but still feel the need to protect them, and that I'd die for them.
          
          I wish relationships were simple.

You’re sorry for getting tetchy?
          
          you screamed at me for putting something in the boot wrong and then snatched it out of my hands put it in wrong yourself, started driving while we weren’t buckled into the car and then tried to play the victim because we didn’t get ready to leave early enough

Me? Have gotten myself stuck in a "I need to do the thing but I can't do the thing because I need to do the thing" circle for the past three weeks?
          
          Yes.