Praevian

Revisiting this is a bit odd, to be sure. It's akin to touring a graveyard, the spirits of memories clinging to the very edges of my perception. I'm so very glad I learned from the horrid things I encountered, and enacted, here. I doubt expect anyone should read these, should explore this place. But so much happened here. I am happy that it happened, and even more so that it is over.

And when my prayers to God were met with indifference, I picked up a pen, I wrote my OWN deliverance.

I don't know if you still read this at all. I just hope you're doing okay. I am not. I'm not very well at all. I've been struggling really hard the past year and a half, and especially hard the past month. I've been trying. Barely surviving, unhealthy coping mechanisms and all the ilk. All of my trauma resurfaced and I have faced down and fought all of it. I've almost beat it all again too. I'm not yet at peace with it all. There's a lot, and I wish I could've told you even more. 
          
          I miss you. I miss you a lot. Our time together wasn't nearly long enough and I miss your presence in my life, whether as a friend or romantic partner. I just miss your energy, your aura. The lessons you taught me and the joy you brought me. I doubt you're the same person now that you were before: in fact, I hope you aren't. I hope you've grown and blossomed and knowing you, though it must've taken a bit of time, I know you did. 
          
          You're an amazing person. Anyone in your life now is lucky to have your light in their darkness. I was once the sun, the light. But the moon was ill-fitting for me then, and the black invaded. Kormeum, my Halycon. I hope one day that we can reconcile the past and all transgressions may be forgiven (mostly mine though, I fucked up the most, by a lot). And if not, just know you're counted amongst the grandest and superlative people in my life and it isn't even close. You meant a lot to me and you always will. That's what I attempted to communicate (failing spectacularly) in our last real (meaning lengthy, measured, not bitter and cool) conversation. I'm sorry I was not better before. I'm happy I am better now. I hope you are too. Fare thee well and always remember... 
          
          As above,
          
          - just someone wishing that other people saw me the way I see them, 
          Joseph Aaron.
          
          so below.

I'm going to drop some more rants and writings. I don't think anyone will read them, at least not for awhile, but I have this craving to express myself and with my person having left long ago, the desire only grows with no proper fulfillment. 
          
          As such, I need to write more, possibly about that person, but mostly just about what I'm feeling and thinking those days. I simply know I will need it.
          
          Lastly, I will be spending more time re-writing Trials of the Horseman and creating an entire through-line and story arc and plan before I write it out, which is what I should've done in the first place. Regardless, I'll be taking it down later this year and doing a great deal of work to give a cogent, insightful story about those characters. 
          
          Thank you if you read this, and feel free to say something or ask questions if you have any. No one questions my writing, and that's the one big thing that I've always really wanted.

I just realized you never loved me like I loved you. It just wasn't the same for you.
          I wish you would've told me. 
          The door is forever open, but I'm not waiting by it anymore. 
          You may enter when you wish. The price is humility. I do hope to see you again.
          If not, then all will have been for nothing. That seems shitty, eh?
          Good luck, Ricky.
          It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

Guess I still miss you

Hello goodbye

Ouch

Who knows where I go now... my path is misty even as I walk it and my eyes are burned, seared from the sorrow I endured from you. The shroud has fallen and coats my vision... who knows where I go now...
          
          I tread where those dark few have gone.

U died e.e