Read ‘em and weep

JUST STARTED MY SUMMER HOLIDAYS WHOOP WHOOP! 
          
          Finished ‘Interstellar’ in my physics class, one of the saddest films I’ve ever seen. At every turn, you lose something you’ll never get back and it turns out there’s something out there that lead you once, to lead yourself all over again. That time isn’t only ‘not linear’ but can be made into a physical dimension to lead out. How does that ever stop? What’s the smallest increment to move around? Can you move forward and back at 0.00000001 x10^-16 seconds but not 0.00000001 x10^-17 seconds? How can anything inside of infinity ever be finitive? I don’t get it- and frankly I don’t want to. I am scared of death, and the idea that I am in a vast space time continuum- extremely honestly- makes my chest drop. 
          
          Anyway- 
          
          I’ve got nearly 8 weeks to kick back and put my feet up, apply for work or volunteering etc. 
          
          -s.N
          

Happy Pride yous, have a great month :)
          
          I just want to say that since I joined in Feb 2021, I’ve done a pride book where It has 30 stories related to the LGBTQIA+ community, however, this year I am extremely busy with school and trying to fix shit that’s been messed up. Shortly, this year I am too fucking tired to make sure I update every day or to write enough so that I have 30 stories by the end of the months. I have been either writing every year on the day and publishing it, or writing in advance, but this year- as stated- I am too busy to write continuously, as well as June snuck up on me. I have three birthdays and father’s day coming up which I haven’t done shit for lmao. 
          
          Anyway, I have been around for four years now. This account has been with me for a whole fucking ride. Since I made this account I have [in no particular order]: 
          •gotten my first partner
          •broke up with my first partner
          •attempted to kill myself on two occasions 
          •started at new school 
          •taken my first exams 
          •quit sh (2 years yesterday!!!!) 
          •become far more confident 
          •got work experience 
          •decorated my room to be more in line with my own personality 
          
          …and so much fucking more. 
          

Start my new year at school tmr… freaking out abt my timetable. I’ve got two crash highers and the time we have to learn all the material is so short- I’m not entirely sure if I’ll thrive under it. I like pressure, when I’m sure of what I’m doing that is, but sometimes the pressure gets to my head because of what other people tell me about how I should feel about it to try and comfort me for emotions I don’t even have. Ykwim? Like if you were going in for knee surgery and someone says, 
          ‘I know you’re worrying from that look on your face but don’t worry about it- only 1 in 500 patients die from heart failure after knee surgery’ 
          And all you can say is- 
          ‘Thanks’ 
          But inside you’re like 
          ‘WHAT THE FUCK?! Now there’s a part of me which is terrified that I’ll walk without pain AND a part which is scared my heart will fucking collapse. I wasn’t even worrying really to begin with, I was just tired of fucking waiting for it!’ 
          Like people tell me all the time it will be hard like I don’t know that, and then people go ‘oh that’s terrible’ in a pitiful voice that only really half cares. Like I understand you can’t care about everything everyone says- but can someone actually care abt how I fucking feel for once? Everyone around is always taking each of my anxieties one at a time, but I am thinking them all at once and no one has stopped to consider it might be too much. Or even that my brain might not be too well at the amount of stress. 
          
          …

I really like the teaser songs Mother mother dropped for their new album. 
          
          There’s still nine more songs that’re coming out the day before my mother’s birthday and I can’t wait for them. I think it’s a tie between make believe & Love to death for my fav out of the three- not to say finger is bad,- finger’s just kinda one of those funny songs that are great, just not maybe your favourite; ykwim? 
          
          Anyway, yeah I’m gonna go rest for the next few days until I officially move up a year in school. That’s happening on Tuesday 27th for me hopefully, so I’ll get my timetable and see what it looks like. 
          
          For a reminder I took: 
          • H physics 
          •H chemistry 
          •H maths 
          •crash H Geography 
          •Crash H College Psychology 
          
          Excited but also nervous lmao. 
          
          A friend of mine who took Geo this year for N5 told me I am sitting next to a guy who I am pretty sure is dating my ex girlfriend… awkward… we are also complete and total opposites. I mean for one he’s American and I am scottish, he’s essentially Bald and I’ve had long hair all my life, he struggles in school and I don’t usually, I’m relatively quiet and respectful and I’m not sure he knows those words. The only thing we got the same is that we are pretty funny (bigging myself up on this one) and we are both tall around here (me for a girl and him for a guy). I’m not sure he’s passing N5 so he might not be here after August. I will because it’s a crash higher so unless I really dislike or can’t keep up with it- I certainly will be there. The others it’s all a gander. Fingers crossed that I will do well on all my subjects- especially the ones I am taking for higher. 
          
          Love yous 
          
          -s.N

I feel good,
          dunu nunu nunu nu,
          knew that I shouldn’t na
          dunu nunu nunu nu
          
          -s.N

I FINSUHED MY EXAMS

Physics down. 
          
          Feel like 6/10 
          Got an ultra (white) monster 
          Feel like sleepy 6/10
          Better. 
          
          
          
          Anyway, that paper is: 
          • 150 total marks
          • 25 multiple choice marks
          • 125 written marks
          • 2hrs 30 mins 
          •1300-1530 (our lunch is usually 1320-1410) 
          
          Specifically our paper had: 
          •two open ended (ski jumper & a student statement) 
          •1 graph with 3 separate small markers to do with the graph and the experiment results 
          •had a multiple choice to do with velocity time graph where the velocity went negative(?) 
          
          Me: 
          •pretty sure I forgot to put °C into Kelvin 
          •pretty sure I accidentally wrote fuck in the paper
          • almost wrote my name in the name of centre on the front page (did that yesterday and had to scribble it out lmao) 
          •guessed 12 questions from 1-4 markers 
          •considering death as a possibility. 
          
          That’s my update yous :))/:(((((((((((( 
          
          Love you all, hope none of you had to do that paper, but if you do, pls reply with your opinion cause everyone I know had different opinions on how the paper was lmao. 
          
          -s.N 

Just finished my maths exam. I fucked up writing co-ordinates… smh how did I accidentally switch the x and y??????? I’m actually an idiot. Plus I accidentally fucked up a rearrangement which is kinda funny to me. I might get follow through marks or or marks for attempting the correct method. But I am sure I messed up at least 6 or 7 marks- so there goes my perfect 100s from my prelims. Damn I should just been hit by a car on my way! So sad. 
          
          At my school and most schools around me, people pitch in to buy snacks and drinks for students between their first and second paper for maths and English. So I got an apple juice and it felt weird to get it but whatever and then the entire exam I was damn near gonna throw up and I think it might be the apple juice… now I think about it, every time I have had apple juice and gone anywhere I have thrown up… but who knows? 
          
          I also completely forgot to do one part of a bearings question and I was so mad. Like I didn’t even think twice about it either. 
          
          Tl;dr I am an idiot and I might be mildly intolerant of apple juice? 
          
          Anyway, now I am drinking a monster (ultra/ the white one) to fuel up for my physics revision. 
          
          Hgd <3 
          
          -s.N 
          [FUCK THE SQA] 

Finished English (hopefully forever)! 
          
          My RUAE paper (reading for understanding analysis and evaluation) was on an adapted version of an article about Taylor Swift. Then my critical reading paper was on Whilst Leila Sleeps by Jackie Kay and the 8 mark question was on ‘challenging situations’. Then the essay questions came up with two I could use (one was a question on a theme in the prose, and the other was on characters in the prose). Everything in the papers was nice and good, but I did so shit in my opinion. Just no creative juices flowing AT ALL. 
          
          ‘What’s another word for Love?’ No fucking clue was the answer my brain gave. No fucking clue. 
          
          Then the essay was not my finest work. 
          
          Whatever, the thing that was crazy is everyone had left and it was just me left for like twenty minutes until the end. I get special accommodations, so on English and such subjects I get 25% extra time, So I sit in a room with everyone who gets 25% extra time in a separate place to sit my exams. The second paper, where I was left with only two invigilators to keep me company, that was suppose to be 1hr 53mins with the extra time and kid you not people left with like half an hour of that left- (AKA THE TIME PEOPLE WITHOUT ACCOMODATIONS GET)! So I was like, ‘how the fuck???’

Finished that exam… 
          
          
          It was • — • but I did go, ‘shitttttt’ about four times, and I missed a question that was worth four marks until the VERY end. Like 10 mins to end of a two hour exam kinda late. For graphics there’s a question type where they give you a diagram of a model and then they ask you to explain how you would make that model using CAD software- that’s the kind of question I left and so I had to draw these technical drawings quickly trying to not fuck up the tiny details while still doing it in the last few minutes. It took me five minutes and then I  quickly checked the rest of it. I’ll maybe attach a link to the paper later on when they post the past paper so you can see what I mean. 
          
          (I know no one looks at these, but I like to think that if someone finds these it all makes sense lmao) 
          
          -s.N