Reading through again. It really would have been great, if the first person would have allowed the public to "sink" in the story. It's more like a short cut or a script writing. Difficult to like the characters out of their original frame, or your characters without narration,description, psychological background...on the other hand , you have shown great enthusiasm, perseverance and your skills are sharpening. The Twists are quite unexpected, and have a certain fluidity. I took seriously my task and recommend you to carry on writing.
