Bean

1) Call me Bean. It was a dark and stormy night the first time I was slurped ungraciously into the unprecedented perils of the dreaded world of self-edited, self-published, screen-caged stories. Welcome to my world. It's not much yet, but soon you'll see. Someday I'll show you. I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!
I know, I'm a walking cliche. But aren't we all? *cringes inside*

2) I am starting a petition against cheeto fingers. WHO'S WITH ME?!?
                                                                  *crickets*
... Okay, time for some BRIBERY! If you agree to my terms, (abolish cheeto fingers ((not cheetos, cheeto fingers)) once and for all), I will tag you on my profile!!! yay! applause! Plus I'll follow you back!

3) I steal lunches.

4) TAPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

That's all, folks! *cringes again*

Well, my tummy calls. Time to go raid the fridge!