m o m o

I am such a screw-up and I knew this from the start. Of course, I did I have been told that since I was a child. When I stopped bringing home good grades and my 'attitude' towards my family grew people started talking and it wasn't about good things.
          My mom can be a little much and she sometimes can be very overbearing to the where you would have to leave the room to take a breath.
          But having a phone helped me out by giving me an escape and not having to stay in the living room with nothing to do.
          Now she has taken that away from me because a family member saw me walking down the street way past midnight (I was sneaking out)
          I haven't realized how much I have relied on my phone and how much it takes me away from all the stress at home until now.
          I'm missing school because of my mom being in the hospital and I couldn't text my therapist who I have sessions at school that I wasn't going to be there.
          I always do bad things and I always mess up the good things that are happening to me and yes I know and acknowledge that so I don't want anybody shoving that down my goddamn throat.

I'm not the type to think about anything but what the hell am I going to do with my life? 
          I have no goals, no ambitions, no clear plan on how I'm going to live through my life, and I don't think I'm gonna made it after high school.
          My mom's in the hospital after having her 5th kid at 40 years old and she may need surgery because one of the new surgeons screwed up on her incision now she has a blood clot that could kill her
          Both my parents told me and were clear on if one of them were to die, the now that are still alive would kill themselves and I still don't know how to process any of it.
          I got caught by a family member when I snuck out the other night and now I'm in deep trouble of non-trust and all I could think about is 'what if my mom's last feeling about me is a disappointment before she passes?'
          I don't have a good relationship with her but that's my mom ya know?
          I can't contact my therapist or any of my friends because my phone was taken away so I can't talk or communicate with anyone about anything.
          If my parents were to die I would go and live with my 2nd cousin and to be honest she at first would welcome us into her house then over time she'll ask for money and make me and my older sister pay rent.
          I have younger siblings who are 5 and 2 and I usually take care of them because my older sister doesn't do well with kids and she can't process emotion or empathy because of her autism.
          I'n not saying she's less than a person because of her disability but it does limit her from doing social or physical affection towards our siblings so I've been playing 'mom'

i said something dumb again

currently reading the demon slayer manga in school and I'm fighting the urge to ball my fucking eyes out

tell me your hard of hearing or deaf without telling me your hard of hearing or deaf: I'll go first
          
          my sister:*asks a question without facing me*
          nobody:
          absolutely nobody:
          not even a soul:
          me: BITCH YOU WANNA GET FUCKED UP?!
          my sister:*faces me with her hands up* SIT YOUR ASS DOWN I ASKED IF YOU WANT FOOD DAMNIT

i kid you not i literally just looked up on google 'how to write gay smut' like I have no idea how people can just write this shit in the matter of 5 minutes like this shit is taking me 2 days