Ubel 🜏

the young artist sat on the bench right a few meters away from the church on the top of the hill in his town
          
          he felt the need to let it out.
          he lighted a cigarette on a bright day.
          he looked towards the the shining dome with the cross on top 
          
          the sun reflected on it making it shine bright, piercing through his eyes.
          
          before he could realize he started crying 
          the tears leaking from his eyes covered his sight he was struggling to see clear.
          
          but even so he kept staring at the shining cross high up towards the sky.
          he wasn't religious.
          
          but now he found himself praying for the angels and his guides to send him messages 
          that everything will be okay
          
          the clock is ticking.
          there isn't much time left.
          
          

even with all the love 
          even with all the support 
          and all the people around me
          i still feel empty inside
          i lay down looking at the ceiling 
          my brain shoots question
          after question
          but i trouble to find answers
          how did i get here?
          and how long it'll continue?
          im not terrified 
          as other people may think
          instead i just sit surrounded by love and swallow my own pain to distance myself from the verge of breaking down.
          suddenly i ask
          "isn't this all i ever wanted?" 
          one answer i was able to find.
          that is yes. This is all I've ever wished for.
          then why do i feel pain?
          why i feel like the only person i got 
          by my side is myself?
          maybe because its true.
          all i got is myself.
          but its painful too.
          i want to cry on someone's shoulder
          i want to feel stability instead of chaos for once
          but maybe this is not my fate.
          instead i just sit here by myself.
          trapped between four walls and swallow
          my own pain to distance myself from the verge of breaking down.
          i cant let myself down.
          i cant let myself cry now.
          i need to be strong.
          for myself and for the others.
          
          

i want to paint you
          drag my brush all over your body
          create new colours and shades
          paint your face in red
          
          you see me in monochrome 
          i see you in neon lights
          i throw my brush away
          im using fingers instead
          
          gently pressing the tips of my fingers
          on your perfect porcelain flesh 
          a desire is waking up inside of me
          i shot my eyes towards you
          
          i smile softly and whisper
          "i will paint your eyes, when i get to know your soul"

how do i escape the chains that are strongly wrapped all over me? 
          how do i escape the beauty of your bloody obsession over me? 
          how do i keep on breathing every time i hear your footsteps?
          
          bloody hell are the kisses you so gently put on my lips,
          but also so rough... 
          
          and your words harsh, pierce through my heart.
          
          i paint on my face with my own tears.
          
          again you come back, embracing me. 
          
          sugarcoated lies.
          
          we both will pay for our sins, but i will never be forgiven
          for loving you until im dead. 

should i write another book? it wont be anime related

i fucking hate iconography this shit is killing me