Bel

I miss it
          But I’m okay with this too
          I’m okay alone
          But that does mean I don’t miss
          The way I could talk to all of you.
          

I used to write here. 
          Write all my thoughts 
          down, settling softly
          But tonight, it’s different 
          My thoughts are written 
          Deleted, then, linger
          Warm in my heart
          
          There are stories 
          I won’t, couldn’t 
          That I can’t tell
          They’re mine alone
          Broken in my arms
          Hurting and happy
          Sad, and yet alive
          
          Sometimes I wish
          Long to tell them
          still, hand them out
          But they’re warm here
          Safe in my soul
          And I miss the past
          But the future awaits
          
          Believe me when I say it
          That I loved you all
          In the pride, in the fall
          But it was a temporary 
          dream. I understand now
          Temporary is powerful 
          Passing, fleeting, yet full
          It’s not the same world
          Not the same land
          Special interests can change
          So can my carded hand
          
          I hold them tightly 
          My heart so warm
          The pain is very real
          But so is what I learn
          I claim no genius
          No power, no fame
          Just the memories 
          The hearts and truthfully,
          some edges of blame
          
          Hold me tight too
          Don’t let go
          A new age is beginning 
          It has started- really-
          Since long ago…
          
          This is a sweet goodbye
          And a dear, dear, hello
          
          - Bel.

What they don’t tell you is that growing occurs at just the right moment. Between the edge of not being ready, and ready enough to try something.
          
          That in the blear of exhaustion, in the face of the smallest moments- you learn what you treasure, what you know, and a little of who you are.
          
          Maybe it’s anxiety that holds it all back a bit more, a grasp of friction. But, there’s a trust in moving forward. Desperation, and love for it, tangled. 
          
          This is my heart here. My body aching, my mind tired, homesick when I’m home, because what I miss is being here more than being anywhere else. I miss being with the people and the environment that makes me feel safe… and I’ve learned to love these moments more. Those people more…
          
          I long for the summer- for classes again. For these long hours of doubt to cease just a little. But I am in a period of growth, and like the many others before this one… I will step onwards.
          
          To the love of life.
          Bel.

A lot of people have voiced their dislike for the phrase “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. Yet, despite their arguments, I can’t really agree that I dislike it too? Not when… it feels so true?
          
          I don’t know those people or their lives- but I know mine. My story. And… I guess it’s just that life is full of struggles in my perspective. Yet it’s through making it through that I grow- that I persevere?
          
          And isn’t that what the phrase embodies? If you’re not dead, you’re still kicking, and you’re stronger than you once were- because you made it through that. Because you experienced that? 
          
          I don’t know, I just reflect on it a lot. Right now I ache, I feel like I’m tearing at the edges with all the new things in my life. With all the small struggles and fights inside my mind. But… I’m stronger for it.
          
          You know.. I’ve fainted many many times over the course of my life, it hasn’t killed me or anything. Sometimes it probably caused my parents a scare when I was really little. But you know, you learn, you grow, and sometimes, just sometimes… you touch that little line of overcoming.
          
          Of course not all of my conditions are ‘curable’. Nor are they for many others as well. But. Struggles don’t chose our paths, they don’t have to define our lives. And one day, I hope that more people find the strength already within their hearts. That we all step forward and onward.
          
          ——-
          If this is weird, I am sorry, I’m working too many hours for this internship and my other job. Rip.  ; ) but I’ll be halfway rich for a small moment when this is done..? So I’ll buy books, or a book, or… yeah. Goodnight. <3

Remember to say “I love you” to the ones you care about. Be it in words or actions. Doing so matters. Really, truly, I mean this. Because… well, I might not be certain on who’s reading this, but I love you too in a way that’s a bit vague through the internet. But I mean it, because you matter, no matter how little or a lot I know you or of you. 
          
          … sometimes, that love for humanity, for life, feels relentless. No matter how many times your feelings get hurt, or life storms you with painful things. Because love is beyond that. No?
          
          With much love,
          In pain and in beauty,
          Bel. 

The snow be thick outside. 
          
          Thick. 
          
          Yeah… working full time at an internship has been pretty wild so far. Snow included. Honestly I’m kinda wishing it’s be done for just a bit. All this snow is making me pretty sleepy. And this low key cold I’m having isn’t helping that cause.
          
          Anyways. Part of me isn’t sure anyone will read this. But at any rate. Hope you all are eating good cookies. Stay warm if you’re in snowy land like me. 
          
          Don’t fall in a foot of thick snow. 
          
          It’ll getcha…

Happy Holidays Everyone!
          
          Hope that depending on your time zone- that this is a wonderful Christmas for you all. That for everything you’re worried about- that it works out. That you’ve found loved ones to be close to, and joy in your hearts. 
          
          I feel as though the holiday season has come upon us too fast. Yet, this is a time of growth, a time of love, and life. And with the unexpected and expected. I do truly hope that the upcoming year is kind to us all in all the little ways that it can be.
          
          It’s a fact that my mindset really hasn’t been perfect this last year. I’ve tripped and stumbled over myself a lot. I don’t deny that. But I chose to believe in the good tonight. To believe in our future. And I hope you find it in your heart to believe in it too. 
          
          Honestly I’m a bit scared of what’ll come. Going to a full time internship after always being an online student for as long as I have been is downright terrifying. But, perhaps it’s a little exciting too. Yet I know my activity on here will be even less. 
          
          Merry Christmas. Happy New Year, and so much more. You all are more amazing that I can express. And the little bits of kindness in the world are the reason I will always believe. 
          
          Take care. Sending all I can across the internet. If only through words alone.
          
          - Bel.

Ahh… you know. I’m weak. 
          
          And that’s not inherently a bad thing. But I guess the fragility of life felt more real this semester. I was scared to repeat a class a second time. I was scared I was going to fail everything, and that fear only grew as I stepped along. 
          
          Opportunities often feel like a punch to the gut, they make you feel sick but kinda awed. 
          
          Sometimes it takes words from people you care about to snap out of the feelings you’re drowning under. Sometimes it just takes time, because everything ends up playing out one way or another. The leaves fall where they’ll fall in the end. 
          
          Still, I’m grateful. I survived again. And once Im done crashing from this high adrenaline state I’m in from writing 2000 something words of some formal documentation today… well— I hope I’ll reach out to you all. And I hope, that in your own time, when you’re feeling ok, you’ll do the same. 
          
          For now. Just a broad message. 
          
          That… well… you all make me strong. You all are beautiful, amazing, and… well… I suppose I love the beauty of the mind? 
          
          Maybe that’s weird? Or normal? I can never tell. But. Sending kind thoughts and prayers. 
          
          Be well. I hope if any of you have been trapped too… that you’ll find your way out soon. 

The weird thing is how upset you can get over things that are your fault. Yes, there’s always more than you…
          
          But sometimes I feel lonely— it’s hard to stay objective. When I know it’s me that hides away most of the time. Not entirely because of fear- but rather I suppose a rather bad sense of time? 
          
          I mean five years ago doesn’t feel that terribly far away. And as it tends to be, I’d still be quite affectionate if we spoke after five years. 
          
          Perhaps it’s because my life hasn’t changed much in the past eleven years. But yeah. That’s me. And it’s something Im still coming to terms with handling. Because as embarrassing as it feels, I still have the same lackluster social skills that I had when I was like eight. Except nobody really thinks it’s cool if you compliment them anymore. Lol. 
          
          Don’t mind me, I just really want to know if friends cuddle, or if that’s automatically romantic? Because of offered the opportunity— … I just really like hugs. But everyone else I know except maybe my brother and his girlfriend don’t like them much. 
          
          Err. I got two hours to submit something tonight. Well a lot of somethings… so… bye bye…

Waiting til winter break to be social. Classes are way too heavy this close to finals.