this message may be offensive
I really need to get this out... I have a lot on my plate and I really need to get it out.... I was driven to have almost a panick attack two times in row and that too infront of my parents due to their words. Now, I am very greateful to them for what they have done and the sacrifices they have made of me but I am having issues due to it. I fell like a fucking burden when I am painfully reminded of those sacrifices and somewhere down there I feel like the reason their lives are falling appart... which I know I am.. nut i didn't have much choise, every descesion was made by them and still are, now when i make my descesions I fear to fuck it up, coz I don't want to hear their taunts... there is this unknown pressure which chokes me to death and death becomes a very beautiful idea. This might sound unreasonable and nonsence so I would like to go to the bottom of all these.
So, initially i am a good child or rather was.... I used to score above 90%, udes to draw well and take part in a bunch of other curriculum activities bringing good result out of it all... But duringthe pandemic this whole cycle of my life came to a halt... I came to know about the internet platform more intimately... I came here and books became a very intimate part of my consiousness.... books provide me the comfort no one can, i can be as free as an uncagged bird and I no one is pussing me to grow up... i can breathe here without being judged... I can be a nobody to no one which is reassuring.
I was in class 9 when I first had the taste of comfort and hence created a whole damn castle called 'my comfort zone' here. Needless to say my result was not good according to my standard. i got 70%.... and hence the accusing started... i can't really call it accusing, it's more like disappointment, i can't really put it to words....
I have always been an understanding kid and always listened to my parent's problems... I am from an Indian middle class family ( oops word limit.. check the next mgs)