DM

I used to write because I wanted to find an escape - where I was allowed to go as far as I can just to temporarily shut the reality away. I used to write because I wanted to forget for a while how cruel the world could be most of the time, how every mistake I made always etched like a tattoo on my skin that I never really chose and designed for myself. I used to write because I wanted to get lost, I wanted to forget, and I wanted to stop myself from depending on the healing power of being found in the middle of nowhere. I used to write because I wanted to run away, build a new world I will one day leave too. I used to write to numb the pain and to deviate my heart from beating on the same reasons I was supposed to let go.

But now, I write differently. I realized that I write not because I wanted to escape but because I wanted to find a home where leaving again will never be an option. I write like words were made of walls enough to protect me from the dangers of pitch-black nights. I want to write to have something to remember and that every history will be played inside my head until I could write a song about it - until I find myself dancing alone through the hums of my mumbled lyrics, even if the words mean remembering how it aches so bad. I want to write so I'll learn to accept the things that are out of my control to change. I write because I want to find my balance in this world through words and drafts, that even erasures would still be counted. I want to write because I am tired of running away, of walking out when my phrases were questioned - when everyone's expecting a tragic ending.

I want to build a world made up of words where I will no longer be worried about exiting once again. And even if the world will turn black and white, I'll be fine. I will write because I found belongingness there - I found a part of me that I want to keep safe. It's through writing that I found myself finally settling down.