Ivy

I learnt a beautiful word today. Apricity, which means the warmth of the sun during winter

Sometimes i dont want to write what i feel because i fear the feeling of losing control over myself. I fear that my feeling would make me not feeling like myself. Because i like it when i am composed, cool, and stable. Until the suppressed surged. I've been feeling the downside of life too but maybe i was to busy trying to be bright for myself. And i feel sorry for this doing. Tonight i lose all of any intentions towards my feeling and start to cry. I want to sit with what is there and see how it feels

I was having a very hard time crying but now that it is night, i finally cried. My love of night -even darkness can be the light

Night falls and what i've been trying to suppress throughout the day just surfaces. I cry. And that is how i love myself.

Maybe night is the time for the unspoken. We would talk nothing, but feels like as if we just understand everything

There are things i cannot describe in words. Like a feeling that can be expressed only through music, the one that can be release through cries, and one that passed by in form of silence, by feeling the emotion itself when it is night.

Sometimes i turn to people so i dont have to deal with my own feelings on my own. That's maybe why i get needy from time to time cause it makes me feel better by the thought of having someone to share things with.
          
          But sometimea at night, when i am alone, i  cried on my own. Realizing that at the core, i am the only one i have. No one will be here for me as how i am to myself. So whatever is happening, i should be the one here. And because, it is only me who can do that for myself.

There are always time when i feel so sad at night. Sometimes because of the exhaustion from all things, my feelings that want to be acknowledged and released, or when i get needy, missing someone whom i know are busy with their own life. I get needy in relationships, but i hold back because at certain times i don't want to be like this (though i know well that this is how i naturally am).
          
          Sometimes i am also tired thinking of what the future has in store for me. What kind of life i want to have, and the kind of person i want to be. Which part of life and memories i should left behind, which to let it stay with me. Which part of me i can improve and which part i cannot that need my acceptance.
          
          It's all in my head. I am so sad. And i am crying quietly tonight. Only if someone is here to hold my hand tight.
          
          

Hi, 
          
          Just want to tell you all that i am planning to take break from wattpad, and probably will delete this account in the future
          
          I've been having a hard time dealing with my feelings, as well as the one i wrote down. I kinda want to delete, neutralize my mind from perspective and prejudice that is there, then restart
          
          I also have anxiety for the time being, and for that reason, i have to be able to sit with my real life to feel at ease and peace. I want to focus on organizing my life, solving problems, quitting addictions, pursuing dreams,
          
          And I want to say thank you for everyone here, mostly you whom i feel safe with to tell my deepest stories with
          
          last, my instagram account is @thewordsineedtohear for you who still want to connect
          
          Thank you, and love you -Ivy

My addictions are caused by the feeling of wanting to runaway from something, which most likely is myself (my feeling, thoughts, problems)