d35tR0y.aB3z

I hate being homesick, I feel like I'm drowning throughout my entire body. I want to go home but things will be better tomorrow, I just want to go home. It's a sick feeling in my stomach. Not only that, I'm so fucking clingy right now, I just know it's not going to last forever. I'm not going to be cradled in my mothers arms forever with my step dad there as well, it's so nice to be loved as a child and I am scared

I love my dad, I love him so much. he's made mistakes but I'll always love him, I'll never forget him. I believe in him getting better despite it all, I'm scared of losing him, I don't think I can handle losing him one day. He fucked up so much but he still loved me. Sure he hit me but he still hugged me sometimes when I sobbed, I'm scared of losing both of my parents. I don't think I can handle it when they go. I love my mom so fucking much as well. She's the most amazing woman I've ever met and just like my Father she has made mistakes but I have too, I don't know what I would do if she left me. it's gonna happen but it hurts to think about. Same with my grandparents. I just want to stay young forever, stuck in a nice time period of now, Everyone the same age and the same content in their eyes. I don't wanna grow, I don't wanna have to say goodbye, I'm sorry I'm scared but can you really blame me ?

I fear what I don't know, it is a human trait that I cannot shake, a feeling that never quite falls away, a heartbeat that never stops, the wind that never stops going. I lay in my bed, I am 5 years old. I wish and wish for love to enter my life once more, to seep out of my little body and into the ones I love. He is there, I cannot breath, I wanted it, I thought I did, I thought it was love, he was choking me but he was still holding me.

I begged a man to help me today. He wasn't one I grew up with, wasn't one who held me as a child, wasn't the man who threw me away, but one who had chosen. Chosen to love my mother, chosen to cherish her in a way my Father could have never, chosen to make food that warms our stomachs, chosen to make me feel like a little kid again, chosen to make my mother feel like the wonderful woman she is. Yesterday I begged a man to help me. I pleaded at his feet, grabbing onto his shoes and pants, screaming for him to love me, love me like I saw the other kids be loved, pleaded with a broken voice for him to help me, help me not drown in the feelings of hopelessness, of heartbreak, of betrayal, and he raised his foot up and stomped on my pleads. Tomorrow I will beg a man to help me. Help me get over the heartbreak of losing, help me know how to help others, know how to teach them to love themselves, to trust, to welcome love from others, like I was taught. Today, Yesterday, and Tomorrow.

The future visited me today, it was a girl. Her hair long and silky with leaves hidden in it, her face plump and dirt ridden like her hands, her legs shaking from standing still so long, cuts and bruised run along her feet and legs, and she said nothing. She simply held up a rock. I whispered to the rock, afraid of frightening it " Were you once a big mountain ? " I asked, the rock took a breath before responding " Yes, in the same way you were once a star "

I feel something so deep in me that I can't express, its clawing at my spine and ribs, begging to be released but I can't. I don't know how, I wasn't taught this. It's changing me. I'm mean, I don't want to be mean it just spills out of me. It overflows and I need comfort, I don't want it to spill out but I can't get it out in healthy measures. I just wanna go home

In the depths of my dreams I am not anywhere, I am somewhere but nowhere. I have a mother, she soothes down my hair as she rocks me gently to sleep, holding me as if I'm the only thing that matters to her. I have a father, he picks me up and swirls me around, tells me everything is okay, nothing's after me. They love me the way I need to be loved and it rips my heart out, I needed it back then and I need it now but it's too late. They won't do it for me, they never would have. So here I stay, dreaming and hiding.
          
          Anyways I might make a art book!!!!

"He kissed their wounds with his poison laced lips, he rubbed their wounds with sandalwood, and he pour gasoline on them when their were on fire"
          
          - I made this for a thingy I'm doing with my oc!!!! Giggles

i need to update my storiessssssss

it's 1 am. why th f@ck am i awake? i have school in the morning