ᵈᵉᵖʳᵉˢˢᵒ ᵉˢᵖʳᵉˢˢᵒ

i'll be brushing my teeth, or listening to the teacher drone on in lesson
          
          sunday, sunday, sunday
          
          it'll all be alright on sunday

every ache in my leg every thought in my brain every pain in my wrists
          just stops 

how do i love again?
          how do i trust again?
          i stay up all night
          tell myself im alright
          baby youre just harder to see then most
          i'll put the records on
          wait till i hear our song
          every night im dancing with your ghost 

i lay in tears in bed all night alone without you by my side
          
          if you loved me
          whyd you leave me?
          
          521 strong

just a few months ago i found out that i got ill again and a couple weeks ago i found its not going away like it used to. when i initially got diagnosed i was put into a coma because my body physically couldn't fight for my life as well as keeping me sane too.
          
          this time im going to put an end to it once and for all
          
          see you on the other side brookey

i feel as though i never truly recovered after my boyfriend died since he was quite literally my everything. i remember i used to wake up at 12 after being on facetime with him until 2, as soon as I'd wake up the first notification would be a snap of him saying good morning with him and his ruggy bed hair and naked torso with checked pajama trousers with his huge bowl of cornflakes. i feel as though i never was the same person after he passed because i genuinely feel the night he passed away a piece of my soul was buried with him too. my sad story can go on and on and on. i know some people find it hard to believe how this stuff can actually happen but it does. i barely brushed the surface with my mental health journey or my other traumas point is i feel like ive been running around in circles every fucking day. oh no im ill again then i feel sad mentally then my parents take a toll on it then my friends decide to leave.

i would say i got my first gf when i was 14? i can't remember dates at this moment my brain is so foggy. we were good for each other for a bit it's what we knew to be love. until i couldn't take it and we ended it a year later maybe? then i got with a few guys actually. one of them was the one. he's not with us anymore he actually passed away in his sleep a little while back. that threw me into a spiral. i physically couldn't deal with not having my rock my person my love the one person in this world who i could call my own, with me i went on a crazy bend. not coming home for nights at a time staying out god knows where hopping on trains that go to the coasts just to breath some fresh air and get out of my stuffy hectic life.after my boyfriend passed away i got with another girl just to kinda experiment with my options and distract my self from his death. we did have lots of fun together until we came to an abrupt stop a few months down the line. 

ive been struggling with my mental health for my whole life really. ever since i was little i always knew i wasn't like 'other kids' no matter how cringe that sounds. i constantly put my self down next to my friends ever since i started school and expected my self to be looking and sounding and acting exactly how society wants me to at the age of 6. when i was in my late tweens i got diagnosed with a form of cancer that is relatively common and could be treated easily since we caught it so early on but chances are i'd be struggling with the repercussions of it for the rest of my life. i was living in and out of hospitals for the majority of those few months until i went into remission and that's when the problems at home started. i wasn't a naughty child growing up i was always told in parents evening that im very clever just need to speak out more. i wasn't misbehaving or trying to draw attention to my self, hell that's the last thing i wanted to do. i was just not being understood. as a 13/14 year old who constantly had this shadow of fucking cancer looming over my shoulders like the big black dog, it wasn't good for me at all. i started acting out in school getting with the wrong crowds doing stuff i shouldn't. at home my parents constantly constantly worried for me. they had my medical issues to worry about on top of my rowdy-ness. me and my mum constantly argued every day we'd both call each other every name under the sun just to let go of some of that hurt inside of us when really we were filled with sorrow. 

i feel as though ive matured so much these past few weeks months idk. ive changed alot and a big part of that was changing the people around me and the energy that i used to surround my self with. recently i lost a friend who was very dear to me. i ponder about us every day and wonder how they're doing. i wonder if they know how much i loved them and how much i still do. i remember our conversations and how they were the only person i could be my self with. i really did appreciate them. i really do love her. i do want to text first and initiate that conversation but i worry the love i feel won't be shown back. i fear ive jumped into the deep end and went to far and there's no turning back now.
          
          i like to come back on here once in a while to talk about how im doing and everything good that's going on for me in my life right now. how id met people on this app that i had the most traumatic relationships with but the friend i was talking about earlier was the only one who i whole heartedly thought would be with me through everything 

hello everyone!! i haven't been back on here in ages it's actually so weird omg. but i just came back to say im doing fine. lots of people are in my pms and asking if im okay and that i haven't been on here a lot and that's plainly because ive moved on. on wattpad i met some of my most amazing friends and also some of the most toxic people i could have ever. and im thankful for all of that since its made me the person i am today. a lot has happened since i left where to start. i got work experience in the crown court with the ministry of justice in the summer. we're going abroad for 3 weeks after my exams for my uncles wedding and this will be the first time in 8 years I'll be seeing my grand parents and my mums side of the family. and im so excited for that. my first gcses in under a month and now im absolutely terrified for what's to come. ive been applying to colleges and going to open days and having fun with my friends. i broke my leg 3 weeks ago and had to have an operation on it and now have crutches that I'll probably have to use for the rest of academic year which is just so great. i feel as though my music taste has changed a lot and ive moved on from pop and matured in that sense. and last of all it's my birthday in four days!! I'll be 16 on Thursday the 20th and i absolutely can't wait!! 
          i had a lot of fun on here cried even more tears on here but now it's my turn to say goodbye
          who knows maybe one day in the future I'll come back and things will be different
          but for now
          lots of love <33