starryeyedromantix

I wrote this random paragraph last night, I don't know what head space I was in. It's just....something.

starryeyedromantix

Part II: All those years ago, when I fell in that stage of constant sadness and loneliness with no one to notice and help me out, when I had convinced myself that this occurrence was to look forward to and held hope for me, was all just a distraction and I had been distracting myself all this time with fake friends, looking to fall for every guy I meet, hoping they would be the perfect one so I didn’t have to look back at my very “home” and see that my people are the ones pushing me up that cliff’s edge the very best. The ones who shut me down, make me feel unworthy and “average”, “the average teenager” they say, what if that cover up she has, the mask she wears and you joke about, laugh at, is actually really just a mask. What if she’s actually hiding that broken girl with the cheeriest, silliest perky one. Don’t know that the pretty ones, the ones who are always making people laugh are always the ones that are working best to hide their scars, seen and unseen? Don’t you know why I am always lost? I’m always imagining things, different scenarios to make up for the real ones, “she’s a day dreamer” they’ll say. What if I don’t want people to know that I’m just always distracted by imagining the life of a person who they call a character in my new story, just so that I can’t be troubled by my own? Maybe I’ve been hurt too many times to react to your comments making them seem new, it’s not that I’m really positive, maybe it’s that too many people have been negative. You don’t know what’s real, you don’t know what’s my ‘real crisis’.

starryeyedromantix

It’s not what it seems, to outsiders it looks like a teenage girl with a need to rebel because she can’t go out to hang with her friends, most probably smoking pot and getting high or getting drunk. On the inside, for her it feels completely different, no she does not feel completely ugly because she’s fat, has a big nose, feels let down, even these could be a major part of what makes her ‘real crisis’. It’s how a person takes something, their strength, emotional stability or surroundings that influence her life that make her judge the situation as pitiful and sad. So yeah, her parents just denied her permission to go out with friends but what is going on in her mind, the girl who wants to distract herself from the troubling thoughts in her mind, that there is no hope for her in this world, the occurrence she has waited for her whole life, what divides her journey in two (the before and after) is finally about to happen, at the back of her mind behind all the happiness and joy, she thinks ‘what if when we arrive there, things are not different?’ I don’t find that person who will be there for me whenever I need them, those friends that will be forward with me, sympathise with my feelings instead of pushing me further up the edge, backbiting about me, making me feel worse about myself and never being there at all, what if those new people are also like the rest, what if I feel like I can’t talk to them either. What if over there I constantly feel the need to shut off contact with everyone once and for all as well? What if I’m still to scared to let myself fall over again this time? What if I never help myself up that time?