thecrunchiestleaf
picklesbian
picklesbian
thecrunchiestleaf
Does your teenager have acne? Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don't Masturbate have acne.
Is your teenager depressed? If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy the most likely cause is Chronic Masturbation.
Does your child lock his or her bedroom door? It is not healthy for a teen to want privacy. Chances are he or she is in there Masturbating!
Does your child listen to "Rock And Roll" music? If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil's music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try Masturbation.
Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear? There's only one way they could have gotten there! Line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family Prayer Meeting and Underwear Check!
Does your teenager have Liberal political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by Self-Abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.
Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles? If your child can't resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can't resist the peer pressure to Masturbate, either.
Does your child look guilty or deny Masturbating? Very few teenagers will openly admit to Masturbating!
Have you caught your child Masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably Masturbating.
thecrunchiestleaf
11. Put boxing gloves on your children's hands at bedtime. Boxing gloves are pretty hard to take off without someone's help. If you do this you can sleep soundly, knowing that your children aren't touching themselves in an impure way.
thecrunchiestleaf
10. Make your daughters grow their fingernails as long as possible. Many Christian parents will measure their daughters' fingernails every week and pay them an allowance based on the combined length. The reason for this is that long fingernails interfere not only with female masturbation, but with Lesbian sexual activity. They will also facilitate the "sniff test" for those of you who use it to monitor your daughter's sexual activities.
thecrunchiestleaf
9. Scientifically test your children for signs of Masturbation. The same Liberal naysayers who insist we can't build a Missile Shield scoffed until they were bleeding when I revealed that Scientists were hard at work on an aerosol spray that would reveal signs of Masturbation in your children, but it's here! CheckMate scientifically detects a protein Enzyme produced by the male Prostate Gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, etc. It apparently won't detect Masturbation in girls (my Scientific consultants assure me that females have no prostate glands, although the Bible suggests otherwise), but will uncover sexual activity in your daughters by detecting traces of semen in Panties, hair, etc. For additional security, you may easily buy a $10.00 microscope from Toys R Us and a $500.00 centrifuge from Fisher Scientific that will enable you (MALE CHRISTIAN PARENTS ONLY!!!!) to examine your sons' urine for signs of the Sin of Onan. The slightest decline in a boy's Urinary Spermatozoa Count should be met with instant and total humiliation (and hospitalization if possible).