Viniquel F.

Sorry for lack of activity. Depression hit me with a skillet. Sooner...more likely later, I’ll be more productive. Again sorry

So I’m sad right? Right. Okay. We have that out of the way.
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          SO YA BOI GOT A KNIFE AND WENT STAB STAB TO THE NEAREST CAB

bOi tHe cEilIng iS uP

I just want to be alone 

Being lonely so easily is agonizing to me. My mind will immediately revert to this lonely set up when no one is around. I hate it so much. Sometimes, I want to isolate myself from everyone. Sometimes, I just want people to speak to me. Sometimes...I want to disappear into the shadows and have not a single soul know I am there...
          
          
          Committing to one identity is so hard for me since people expect me to act some way or will presume I am sad..angry..etc. There are days where I want to run away from a crowd and never stop. Just keep running until I am alone. I deserve to be alone. I want to be alone sometimes..just to feel that pain of being lonely. Pain..pain is one thing that reminds me that this isn’t a dream. That the nightmare that I have generated is not fake. Reality is the cousin that I will always be with and that is glued to my hip. The glue is started to tear away chucks of me because I am wanting to be consumed by a fantasy..

I wanna roleplay.
          
          Please.
          
          Contact me for roleplay. I’m desperate 

*sighs*
          Is it wrong that I have the urge to smoke? That every time my mind feels the pressure of the broken glass of my stress, I want to smoke? I have no idea why and I know that it is a terrible option..I just... want to feel the relief of release. 

I am tired of life. Don’t know why or how. Just a moment ago, I was happy. Just a moment ago, I was laughing a loud, thoughtless laugh. Now I’m sitting here thinking of ways I just might die. None of them involve me doing it to myself...just happenings. I don’t go a moment without thinking of how the scene I’m in...I could have died. I don’t exactly know what this means. I don’t want to die but I know I will.
          
          How come I can write all of this is a text or a sheet of paper but choke when trying to say it? Am I that much of a doormat? Am I that scared of what other people think?.. “God”..if you’re even there, give me some answers please. I don’t know anymore. I hardly want to get up from the couch and do my homework. I get distracted so easily nowadays. I am half way to sleeping all day. I’m not sure what all this is. How can I be? I have too much already going through my head let alone trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Perfect.