Worthless Bri

Hello! Welcome to this bio!
Also, "Don't Flirt With Me, as a Joke, because I will. Catch. FEELINGS! period." For real tho

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Name: Bri
Age: Teen
Gender: Genderqueer
Pronouns: Anything (he/him, she/her, or they/them)
Height: 4'11" now! (Very short still, I know)
Sexuality: Thought bout it long and hard and I'm Queer
Suffering from: Anxiety, Depression, suicidal/self hate thoughts
Likes: Music (depressing or maybe love songs/breakup songs), My friends,. Volleyball!,  girls and some guys if they're nice.., Being Gay, Animes, Drawing, I guess being  depressed 🤷, animals (mainly cats and dogs), Abusive stories or depressing ones, Anime stories/comic dubs (mainly Haikyuu), Mainly Yaoi Yuri, and other things that I can't remember

Amaaazing friends : ↛ @DONT_Touch_MYsoba
↛ @Blanked_Spaced

Animes I've watched:
Haikyuu (Finished S4)
OHSHC (Finished S1)
Voltron (Finished S8)
A Silent Voice (Finished Movie)
Maid Sama (Finished S1)
Saiki K (Finished S2)
Blue Exorcist (Finished S2)
Soul Eater (Finished S1 P4)
Sword Art Online (Finished S1)
Future Diary (Finished S1)
My Hero Academia (Finished S3)
Say "I Love You&quot
Anonymous Noise (Finished S1)
Diabolik Lovers (Finished S3)
Angels Of Death
 And many more! Haha

Questions:
→Is it bad to want the pain in all the suicidal books (Haikyuu list) I've read? Like physical abuse or mental abuse?
→What did I do to deserve this?
→Could someone help me get out of my thoughts?
→Why do I want to bleed? Why do I want pain? Why do I want to have bloody scars on my wrists and be happy but at the same time sad about it?
→Why do I have to be here? Why can't I die and be erased from this world?
→I want to die, but why am I scared to die? Why do I still want to keep living?
→Why do I have to have this stupid, pathetic, and disgusting body?
→Why do I help others when they are at their lowest but I can't even help myself one bit?