Romanogers Oneshots

Feelings

Summary: Natasha has feelings and love is not all its cracked up to be, especially when you think it's unrequited but can't stop the feelings. 

Natasha sat at the bar alone, stirring her drink and lost in thought. The rest of the Avengers and their significant others sat around the living area, laughing and sharing stories as if it was any normal family gathering. But not Natasha. She'd gotten up from her place on the couch, sandwiched between Clint and Thor, a few minutes ago, and so far no one had come to check on her.

That just fed her recent mood of self-pity and hopelessness. No one even cared about her enough to see why she went to be alone, her mind told her, she clearly wasn't wanted here. She should just leave. Good decision to come over here.

It all started when she was in her quarters earlier that evening, just after Tony had announced (demanded) that everyone gather in the common area for a small family-only gathering. There was no particular reason - it was just that everyone was there at the same time, for once, and he wanted to get everyone together for a hang out that didn't involve fighting aliens or Fury lecturing them.

As much as Tony annoyed them, everyone also saw this effort for what it was - a manifestation of loneliness and desire for connection, so they all agreed, Natasha included. She was tired and was smart enough to know to pick her battles, plus she didn't really see the harm that could come of it. Stupid, she thought now. Of course harm would come of it — to herself.

As she'd been getting dressed and applying some minimal makeup just before heading downstairs, her mind started reminding her that if everyone was going, that would mean Steve would be there. And that would mean she'd have to see him, maybe even talk to him. All of a sudden the thought of sneaking out the window or begging Fury for a mission didn't seem so bad.

See, over the last few weeks Natasha had begun having ... feelings, and thoughts... all about Steve Rogers. Her friend, Steve Rogers. Her very best friend, Steve Rogers. She'd found herself forgetting to put up her walls around him — and yes, that had happened long ago in their friendship, but never to the point that she didn't even think about it or realize it. Those other times, it had been a conscious decision, to try to make him feel more comfortable, to make an effort into being a friend, just like he'd asked once upon a time.

But somewhere along the way, she figured, she'd actually wanted to do it for herself. Because — and here's the problem — Steve made her feel safe, and warm, and valued. When she was with him, she wasn't the monster that she'd once thought she was. If he was good, and she was his friend, then that had to mean she was good, even if just a little.

And her subconscious — that traitor — pushed her to spend more time with him, to be physically closer to him, to share more smiles and long gazes with him. She found that she'd shared almost all of what she remembered about her past with him... some things that even Clint didn't know.

The only logical conclusion was that she cared about Steve in ... a special way. An L word came to mind a few days ago when she was ruminating on this very subject, but she shot it down right away — no matter how good she may have become, that was still for children, and she sure as hell wasn't some innocent child.

But, yes, she did admit that there was something inside her that was drawn to Steve in an honestly terrifying way. A week ago he'd come to her secret apartment and just knocked on the door, bearing pizza and a rented DVD like he hadn't just discovered her very covert hideout. She'd opened the door for him to come in but didn't move out of the way, still in a bit of shock, so Steve had just chuckled, shook his head lightly, and shifted the items to one arm, picking her up and carrying her inside with his other.