romanticizing eating disorders

letter one

Dear,

people who romanticize eating disorders, people who romanticize their Own eating disorder. This letter is for yall.

Hey, hello good morning.! i hope you are having a just as fun morning as i do!:)

i mean... my morning was pretty joyus until just now...

Around 9,50 I opened my eyes. Hated everything, then closed my eyes again as my brain started getting full with my thoughts about food, calories, the meals i will have to eat today, the weight i gained, the way my body looks, exercise i have to do and more lovely things like this. ( I'm almost never free from these thoughts. Even when I'm asleep I have dreams, nightmares about food, about me engaging in behaviors)

BUt then I decided to say fuck you to these thoughts and have a great Sunday before school starts.!

I journaled, made my bed, happily noticed how my mood is slightly better then yesterday, got up, unpacked some groceries, then made my breakfast. Mealtime is always interesting. Even when I feel motivated and committed to recovery, I'm having a hard time recognizing what are eating disorder thoughts and what are my own thoughts. I have no idea what my body wants, what are hunger cues, what should I eat and when should I eat it. Which is super stupid, right? It's like forgetting how to breathe properly, or when to take a piss. Anywayyy, at this point, I was excited about my breakfast! I had some yummy fruits, my mom ordered for me and they looked gorgeous! I spent quite some time standing over food, deciding what to eat. So many thoughts racing through my head about calories and all that ed bs.

Eventually, I decided on the fruits I really craved and sliced them up. They were OmG gorgeous. Beautiful juicy oranges, cantaloupe that smelled like summer mornings, and much more beautiful gifts from mother earth.

Then the ed voice in my head started whispering all kinds of yucky ideas about how to destroy myself more and more and how to this and this and measure this and cut this etc...

So I said „Well fuck you, dear. I'm going to follow my meal plan, so shut the fuck up." So then I did. Added all the things to my plate that my therapist and I agreed on for breakfast, and went up to my room. ( It's still hard eating in front of others, and my room just feels like a safe space J )

When I was alone with my food, ed started screaming again at me, about how I should use behaviors, and fool everyone and fake recover. Yeaa... So to that i said „fuck you!" again. Took some deep breaths and absolutely demolished my beautiful, yummy, nourishing breakfast. I faced two of my fear foods, broke tons of ed rules in one sitting. Then here comes the fun part. And probably the TMI part. BUT if you are still romanticizing eating disorders then u must read on!

Then I went to the toilet and took a shit. Yea doesn't sound so extra more like disgusting. But after being constipated asf I was very happy! to finally take a shit :)

( Notice how in movies, series they never mention this part? We never saw Cassie from Skinks sitting on the toilet trying to take a „lovely" shit :) . )

And Then.

I realized I was bleeding. MY ass Was blEEding!!!!! Ewww, right? Scary.

Not so glamorous Not so „lovely" (ok I'm done with bashing skins..)

I still don't really know what caused my bleeding, it may be my rectum or my guts. (I just hope my body is not giving up on me yet.)

( However, everything will be alright. I will discuss with my doctor, eat more, and get healthy as soon as possible!)

My point here is that EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT LOVELY, NOT PRETTY, NOT CUTE PASTEL COLORS, SALADS, SAD SMILES, DANDY GIRLS, THIGH GAPS, DRAMATICAL FAINTING SCENES, SAD SMILING WHEN YOU SAY „I'M NOT HUNGRY".

Eating disorders make you lose yourself, your loved ones, your hobbies, everything that once made YOU you. Eating disorders are lonely, cold, mean, bleeding assholes, failing organs, depression, isolation.

Oh and I'm not clinically underweight. My BullshitMAssIndex says i'm normal. I would appear as „healthy" to people who don't know me

. Eating disorders are mental illnesses. And while they often come with physical signs and symptoms, you are completely valid and deserving of recovery if you don't have them. I tried not to mention any specific behaviors, if I did please let me know, I don't want any parts of this to be triggering or help the ones, not in recovery engaging in behaviors.

On a final note. If you are romanticizing Ed-s (any kind of them there's not only AN and Bulimia J)you are romanticizing bleeding assholes and death.

Individuals of all weights who are suffering from all types and severities of eating disorders equally deserve treatment. Likewise, full-recovery is possible for all eating disorder sufferers.

You should romanticize recovery, life, and joy.

Now my letter is coming to an end.

I hope you take something from it with you.I hope you realize mental illness is not fun, not pretty and it shouldn't be romanticized.

If you are struggling with an ed. i hope to remind you that you are more than your illness, the world is so much bigger then this shitshow. you are worthy and capable of full recovery!!!

Have a fun dayy, eat lots, take your meds, drink your water!

Love

Sara

sources used: my head, , https://thrivecounselingaustin.com/blog/2019/9/23/you-dont-look-like-you-have-an-eating-disorder-weight-stigma-viewed-through-an-eating-disorder-lens
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