Fluid (Swace)

Chapter 1

Hiding a relationship was hard was hard when your girlfriend was your best friend's manager. It was worse when you were trying to figure you who you were personally when you really loved this tall blonde woman with green eyes. Grace was still trying to figure you most of what she as at the moment, she knew the outline of it, but sat back sitting in a chair sipping on vodka thinking about it.

Sarah had gone off to do something, and Grace was sat back wondering if she was really alright what she was thinking, or if anyone would except her for it.

“You're kinda acting off today” Hannah's words go through her head “Not in a bad way, but you just seem more cocky that usual”

Grace cringed at the memory and than repressed it back to the back of her brain, shivering a little. Cocky. Grace seemed cocky. Grace groaned, she knew that coming out was going to be hard but she didn't wanna be cocky. She wanted to be Grace.

She knew though another shot and she would be on her face, or she was going to do something really stupid, and of course she didn't want to be all the way wasted when Sarah came back to hang out.

Grace anxiety cleaned, she cleaned the whole house in less that four hours, silent and gittery. Vodka and coffee pumped through her a million miles a second, and Grace's heart felt like it might just fucking jump out of her chest.

She sits down and runs her fingers through her hair, sweat lightly dripping from her forehead from the panic attack she was having, her body was not in good shape at the moment. This is what happened when she thought, she didn't really like feelings, repression was good enough to her when it came to doing this.

The door opens and than closes and in comes Sarah, setting her purse down on the table “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I wanted to do some cleaning and get the place all, you know...clean” Grace nods her head, obviously lying but Sarah lets it slide, because in the end she's gonna find out. She always does some how.

“Understandable” Sarah sits next to her on the couch and she flinches, so Sarah looks over at her with her eyebrows furrowed.

“Sorry, I'm all sweaty” Grace pauses “I...I'm gonna go take a shower”

Sarah nodded her head and watched as Grace made here way into the bathroom. Grace slammed her head against the wall at least three times repeating “Stupid, STUPID” to herself.

“God I hate myself” Grace growls and throws her shirt off, turning on the hot water to as hot as she could possibly handle it. She looks in the mirror and nearly breaks down in tears as she shakes her head, taking the ace bandage off from her breasts and frowns as she cups them a little bit, why did she have to feel like this?

She takes the rest of her clothes and hops in the shower, letting the hot water run down her back, running her fingers through her hair.

Grace you feel like this because you just wanna yourself you fucking idiot, why the hell are you making such a big deal out if it? Grace thought to herself.

Here's another thing Grace didn't like; anxiety. It was obvious why, it just caused more panic attacks, so once again she repressed it.

Sarah listened, just listened. It might be creepy to other people, but it was the only way she knew Grace was alright, and in the end that's what she really wanted. Soon the water stopped and there was a small sniffle, and Sarah pushed open the door a little “Are you alright?”

“Swike” Grace covered her body with a towel.

“Grace I've seen you-” Sarah brushed it off, it was nonsense “Grace, I just wanna know if your okay”

“Sweetheart I am fine” Grace tucks the towel and pecks Sarah on her shoulder “And I'll be fine, alright”

Sarah moves a piece of Grace's dirty blonde hair out of her face and Grace smiles a little “I'm gonna get in some clothes, alright?”

“Mhhmm” Sarah nodded her head as the door closed slowly.

Grace dressed into something comfortable, loose fitting, this was her every night where, didn't matter what was going in her head.

She skipped out “My bed? Netflix?”

“Do I get to change?” Sarah chuckles a little as she looks over at Grace.

“Yeah, of course sweetie” Grace nodded walking into the bedroom, where Sarah met her. She had changed into Grace's baggy sweats and an oversized T-shirt.

“You look so cute in my cloths” Grace put her hand on her hip.

“I think that's because your cute rubs off on me” Sarah smiles a little bit.

“Okay Hannah Hart” Grace jokes and Sarah rolls her eyes “I was trying to be romantic”

“You did it well” Grace stepped over to her and kissed her nose. Sarah scrunched her face up a little and planted a kiss on Grace's lips, pulling away “Netflix, correct?”

“Yes” Grace giggles and grabs her laptop, plugging it in and hopping under the covers, Sarah doing the same and leaning on Grace's side, laying her head on her shoulder.

It took Sarah a couple episodes to realise that Grace was just sitting with her legs spread wide open, something she hadn't done before, and Grace noticed when Sarah did, trying not to panic while fixing it.

Sarah hit the space bar “Grace we need to talk”

“Shit” Grace muttered.

“You've been acting really off lately, what is up with you? Is it because we're hiding it from the girls?” Sarah looks over at Grace who is slowly closing her laptop “No, it's not about that, that was my idea for heaven's sake”

“Than what?” Sarah states boldly and Grace shakes her head a little “It's so fucking hard to explain Sarah”

“Well than try” Sarah nearly yells and Grace shakes her head “You really don't understand Sarah”

Sarah lays her hand over Grace's and tries not to yell “Please, I want to understand”

“I don't wanna lose you” Grace gulps “But, I'm not...I'm like the rest of the girls you could have dated”

“Yeah?” Sarah ruffles her eyebrows.

“Sarah, I think what you understand, is that sometimes in my brain, you have a boyfriend, and sometimes you have a girlfriend, other times you have have neither” Grace whispers.

Sarah smiles a little bit “So, you're genderfluid?”

Grace was confused at how nice Sarah's tone seemed, as tears where welling up in Grace's eyes “Yeah, something like that, I don't know right at the moment, I just know my brain has been all over the place, and that's one thing I've been thinking about lately”

“Grace, that is completely okay” Sarah laughs lightly “I'm proud of you for being able to tell me that, all you have to do is talk to me, don't give yourself these panic attacks” Sarah rubs Grace's shoulder.

“Do you wanna tell them this weekend?” Grace perks her head up.

“Are you okay with it?” Sarah asks and Grace nods her head “Yeah, I am”

“That we can do it, Grace I want what's best for you” Sarah pulls Grace in and kisses her “And I will try my best to be the best girlfriend I can, alright?”

“Sarah, you already are the best girlfriend” Grace smiles “I'm the one that had to try more”

“Not true” Sarah shakes her head “At all, not true”

“But it is” Grace raises her eyebrows.

“But sweetheart, it's not” Sarah pats her back “Now how about me and you get back to cuddling and watching netflix because I'm cold”

Grace nods her head and lets out a sigh, leaning back with Sarah's head on her shoulder “I love you Grace”

“I love you too” Grace opens her laptop, and they start watching Netflix.