A Solangelo Fanfic

Nico

Nico's POV

     I can't see. It's completely dark. The night encompasses me like a giant black hole threatening to swallow me whole. I almost wish it would, then it could all be over and I wouldn't have to cope with the depression anymore. I know that no one would miss me terribly. Well maybe Reyna or Jason but neither of them are here. They are both at camp Jupiter and haven't come to see me in almost 4 months. I have become so lonely. I just want somebody to care enough to talk to me every day. Even just a how are you or a whats up would mean so much but I seem to only get spoken to if i'm needed. I am sitting on the roof of my cabin. I'ts about 2 am but that doesn't matter, I haven't slept in 4 days. The nightmares plague me any time I close my eyes so I find it easier not to. 

     Ever since the war I have been on the cusp of doing something I will probably regret but whenever I think about ending my life I just imagine a life without pain and it doesn't sound so bad. I would get to live at my fathers palace in the underworld. I've just made too many mistakes to make my life worth living. I mean, I let my sister die, I let Percy and Annabeth fall into Tartarus, I disappointed my father, I self harm and the worst one, I'm gay and I know that if anyone found out they would hate me. 

     Up here on my roof is my favorite place to go because nobody can see me and to get up here you either have to fly or shadow travel. Before I know it silent tears are running down my face from thinking about all the things that I've done wrong and I can't stop them so I let them come. I cry a lot these days. 

     It's not long before I'm full on sobbing. I hope nobody hears me, I mean it's 2 am so nobody should even be up but you never know. I can't seem to stop and my sobs are getting louder and louder. I weep for my sister and all the others that died in the two wars, I weep for the horrible person I am and most of all I weep for my past and who I used to be vs who I am now. 

     Suddenly I hear footsteps crunching on the frosty grass below my cabin. I clap a hand over my tear stained face and try to control my ragged breathing. The footsteps halt right below me and a voice calls up to me, 

"Nico is that you? Are you ok? Do you need help?" 

     I don't recognize the voice. Who could it be? I decide to answer in hopes that they will go away. 

"I'm fine." My voice sounds broken and hoarse much to my dismay. 

"Really? You don't sound like it. It's Will Solace by the way, can I come up and help you?"  

      Oh crap!! It's Will?? I've had a crush on him for months but it's not like i'll ever do anything about it, he's straight. He can't see me like this. Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!! What do I do? I should just shadow travel away, but no! Then he'll want to talk to me tomorrow. Ok I'll just go down, give him a death glare and tell him to go away. 

"No you can't come up here but I'll come down in a sec." I dry my tears quickly and hope that the darkness will cover up the rest. Suddenly a cold blanket is draped over me and then a half a second later i'm standing across from Will. 

"Hey! I heard you up there crying are you ok?" So he did hear my cries, oh well I'll just have to cover up as best as I can. 

"No, I wasn't crying I was ummm... listening to music? You must've heard that and mistaken it for crying." 

"No Nico you were crying. Please tell me why, I just want to help you." 

"Yeah like I would tell you my problems! I don't even know you. We've meet what? Like 3 times? Yeah no thanks! Now please leave me alone!! I don't need your help!" 

     With that I turn on my heel and storm into my cabin, praying that he didn't see the tears brimming in my eyes. I slam the door on a very confused and hurt looking Will. I didn't mean to hurt him but that's all I can seem to do is hurt the people I care the most about. I need a relief. I need to forget about the pain even for just a minute. 

    It's like a well practised dance. I've done it so many times that I don't even have to think about it. The movements are automatic.  I run to the bathroom and lock the door. From my drawer I take out a small box with a razor and a towel inside along with a few squares of Ambrosia. 

     The pain can't come fast enough. I sit down and hold the towel under my wrist and slide the blade across my already marked skin. The blood spills over onto the towel, staining it crimson red. The pain takes away all the memories and sadness and for a moment all I feel is numb, before the pain starts to dull and it all comes rushing back. I quickly add another three marks to my bloody wrist and count to 90 before eating a square of Ambrosia. The cuts stitch themselves back together but they leave four new pale, thin scars on my lower left arm. 

     I don't know if it's from the ordeal I just went through or the fact that I haven't slept in four days but I feel my eyelids sliding closed and a fall into my first dreamless sleep since before Tartarus. It's amazing and I never want to wake up.