Hindsight

1/8/21

L,

I might cut this one short.

My fingers really hurt. One of my polygel nails came off so naturally I had to rip off the rest because it bothered me so badly. And now my fingers are sore and my nail beds are bruised.

I'm very upset with myself.

For starters, I ripped my fucking nails off. Or I might as well have. I guess I'm just upset in general, but of course I'm directing it all inwards and blaming myself because I love playing the fucking victim and saying everything is my fault. God. I hate it here.

My friend told me some TW things today.

He said that he sobbed himself to sleep because he wanted to kill himself so badly. I won't show any pictures, but he was very clearly trying to get me to ask him what had happened to him. Am I going to hold it against him? Of course not. He's clearly going through a lot, and he's also in a rough family situation and has no one to talk to or go to for support anymore.

I might call CPS.

I mean, we both know what exactly they'll do to help (fucking nothing) but I guess it's better than doing nothing. I just want people to be happy without exploiting others.

I just got back from Z's house.

I've been going over there a lot lately. I like being around them a lot. They're fun and they let me be a clingy bottom and we watch cool TV shows and they let me blah de blah throughout the entirety of them and laugh at stupid jokes and shit like that.

It's very enjoyable.

I always have to pee there though because they give me water and I drink it all very quickly. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's an OCD thing. I see it, I finish it. But just with water apparently. Maybe it's not an OCD thing and I'm just telling myself it is. Shocker.

Kevin is bugging me.

He was very distracting while I was driving home from Z's place. He told me to stop using my phone while I'm driving and shit like that. And I just heard my brother leave the bathroom which reminded me once again that I have to pee. But of course, I'm not going to be able to until I finish this.

What a surprise.

I miss you a lot. There's less than a week until we can bring you home again. To be completely honest, I'm fucking white sheet terrified. I'm so scared that you're going to see me and remember how I fucked up and not want to live with me again. I'm scared that S and C will somehow not let you leave or force you to go back again. I'm scared that you might not want to leave there in the first place.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I haven't taken my nighttime meds yet. I know I should. But I'm getting better. I think I took my morning meds. I don't remember. The pill planner was empty because I didn't refill it, so I couldn't check to be sure. I had to get up early to play among us with baby brother before work. I promised him I would. It was fun. I miss him.

Mom is very much trying to hang out.

I went over there a bit ago to help baby brother with school. And when I left, mom was upset that I didn't say goodbye. I did try to, I promise. But I was scared that step dad was with her and didn't want to see him.

Ace just came into my room.

She showed me a tiktok dance and then asked if I wanted to watch anime. I said no, but nicely. I do want to watch anime. But I also want to be by myself. I don't know what I want. But do I ever? I don't know. Whatever. I'm sorry. This is weird and I'm weird and I'm sorry for everything.

I love you.

- L