Watching Memories (MR x TW)

I'm Fine

"The video we are about to watch is a conversation Stiles has with the guidance counselor after Matt's death." 

Stiles' eyes widened, knowing what he said during that meeting. He never wanted anyone to find out what was said, even if he still felt most of those emotions through all the supernatural battles and when trying to save everyone from WCKD. Scott could hear Stiles' heartbeat rising but before he could say anything the screen lit up.

Ms. Morell shows up on the screen. "How about we get back to you?" Stiles is then shown, who looks done with the conversation. "Stiles?" He looks up at her before shaking his head, "I'm fine. Ya, aside from the not sleeping." A clip comes up of Stiles screaming himself awake in his bed. 

Stiles and Noah both wince remembering all the nights Noah had run into Stiles' room as he screamed himself awake. Everyone's eyes were glued to the video, invested in what was being shown.

"The jumpiness." A clip shows Stiles looking around a classroom before showing a new scene of Stiles breathing heavily against a wall, "What the hell is happening to me?"  

The Survivors look at Stiles confused. "Panic attacks," was all Stiles said.

Stiles now sits in the passenger seat of a car looking out and thinking. "The constant overwhelming crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen."

Scott looked at the screen feeling pain in his heart. He was so caught up in fighting the supernatural that he didn't realize was it was doing to the human in the pack, his best friend.

The scene switches back to the counselor's office. "It's called hypervigilance. The persistent feeling of being under threat." The scene zooms in on Stiles' lips as he talks. "It's not just a feeling, though. It's... it's like it's a panic attack." 

"It's my entire life," Stiles whispered. The group from Beacon Hills looked down knowing all the threats they faced and the Survivors remembered all the threats they faced. Neither group truly knew how this affected Stiles.

Stiles is seen walking backward in a classroom, breathing heavily, putting his hands on either side of his face trying to block out noise and he slides down the wall. "You know like I can't even breath."

"Like you're growing?" Lydia asks. Stiles produces a small smile remembering Ms. Morell's next words.

Stiles is seen lying down crying. "Like you're drowning?" "Ya." The scene zooms in on his eyes and mouth. "So, if you're drowning..." Ms. Morell comes back onto the screen. "and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very last moment..." Stiles looks up at her. "What if you choose to not open your mouth. To not let the water in." 

Everyone was on the edge of their seats wanting to hear his response, from what they have seen so far it wasn't looking good.

"You do anyway, it's a reflex." "But if you hold off until that reflex kicks in, you have more time, right?" "Not much time." "But more time to fight your way to the surface." "I guess." "More time to be rescued." The scene shows Noah trying to comfort a screaming Stiles in his bed. 

'Sometimes no one comes,' Stiles thought. It felt like a flood gate of emotions opened when he saw that last scene. He was always rescuing everyone, but who was there to rescue him?

"More time to be in agonizing pain. I mean, did you forget about the part where you feel like your head's exploding?" Ms. Morell is shown again. "If it's about survival, isn't a little agony worth it?" A scene plays of Stiles counting his fingers.