Introducing America

The Presidential Letter

Dear You Poor Unfortunate Soul,
Congratulations you won the presidency! Welcome to hell! If you're getting this letter right after your inauguration, you're one lucky bastard (pardon my French). On the other hand, if that's not the case, I pity you. But hey, we've all been there so cheer up! Look, I hate to do this but I gotta give it to you straight. Yes there are Nation Personifications, or NPs for short, and no not all of them are like good ole'  America. Some are worse... Anyway I know you're thinking 'How do I deal with this? America, and I mean both the country and the NP, are absolutely crazy!' No worries, us previous presidents gotcha covered. In fact, that Little Book of Presidential Secrets in the White House Library has a whole section on this with advice given by each of the previous presidents and vice presidents. Oh! On that note, if you haven't done so already, make sure your family and vice-president are aware of all this. Trust me, it'll make life easier. Moving on to more pressing matters there are some essential facts you need to know for managing the United States of America, the NP not the country (the latter is a cakewalk compared to the former):

1) America is like a very high maintenance friend. You feed him, you make sure he is clothed, and you entertain him when he is bored because if you don't, he'll runaway and refuse to come back unless you give him McDonalds and promise to buy a pet (ever wonder why so many presidents have pets?).

2) To entertain him, watch a horror or action movie with him. If you decide to watch a horror movie, expect for him to sleep in a bed that is not his own. Speaking from experience, you should offer him yours, it's better than him trying to hop into bed with a Member of Congress. He's a snuggler, but he's so cute when he's asleep I promise you won't care.

3) While he does like to talk about his heroic deeds, it's best not to mention the ANY wars. It gets him all depressed and if you mention the Cold War he will begin to stalk you out of fear you are 'commie sleeper agent.' Sending him to a psychiatrist and putting him on some antipsychotics will help, but you should really call the NPs of Denmark and Prussia. They'll all get so drunk and he'll forget what happened. Though you'll probably have to bail them out of jail at 3am.

4) America, while he acts like a bubbly, horny, teenager, is very dangerous. He has a tendency to forget his own super strength. Not to mention he is deadly with a pistol or whip. If he or another NP break something, don't panic, there's a fund for that.

5) America is also very intelligent, though he doesn't act it. Don't be surprised if you get a call from NASA or the Pentagon telling you Alfred's broken in and insists on working there. Let that run its course, he'll probably get months worth of work done and be offered a chance to go to space in a rocket. Do NOT let him, tell him that if he wants to go to space he should have Tony take him instead.

6) America lives with a whale, a unicorn, and an alien named Tony. I'm not shitting you here. There is a section in the Little Book of Presidential Secrets for Mythical Creatures, Magic, and Aliens.

7) America, Tony, and who ever else America manages to find will inevitably wreck havoc in the White House and around the world. This has happened many times and it always seems to work itself out, but if it gets too out of hand threaten to pass a legislation making McDonalds sell veggie burgers instead of hamburgers. He will immediately apologize profusely, kowtow, and beg for mercy. Tell him you forgive him, but he must be a 'professional nation' for the next month to make up for it.

8) Never tell him he is a 'good kid' 'good boy'  'bad kid' or 'bad boy' in fact never call him 'boy' or 'kid.' He will either get very angry or very horny. We suspect this has to do with his weird relationship with England (the NP).

9) America is influenced by the state of our nation, and apparently our nation is very very very horny. America does sleep with White House staff, strangers, and other NPs, most notably France, Canada, and England. They are known as the FACE family and technically they are brothers, but don't be fooled by their familial bonds! They are the epitome of the Fucked Up Family tab on PornHub.  Seriously though, they are shameless and loud. Oh so loud! These halls echo dammit!

10) In addition to (9), while America will not openly pursue you, he may subtly suggest a threesome between you and your partner. He has no interest in being a mistress though, so don't even try. France, on the other hand, has hands that do more than wander. It's best if you social distance from him.

11) Also in addition to (9), America enjoys talking about his sex life. Just let him and don't try to sue him for sexual harassment. You will not win. If you think you have connections, imagine how many a guy hundreds of years old has.

12) Again in addition to (9), there are betting pools about America's relationships. It's a fun game and helps make your time in the White House tolerable. Betting on Russia is a high risk high reward choice and betting on China isn't wise. You'd be better off playing bets on either Japan or random staff members. Your choice though.

13) The White House is a revolving door of NPs. Japan comes over to play video games. Prussia and Denmark come over to terrorize Congress and get kicked out of bars. China comes to scream about the debt crisis. South Korea comes to binge Asian dramas. Hungary comes over to spy on America's sex life. The FACE Family comes over to be a part of said sex life and to do whatever else they do (ie have tea parties with wine and pancakes). Russia comes over to gift body parts in jars.

14) When it is America's turn to host the World Conference, whatever you do, do NOT go in there! There is more on this in the Little Book of Presidential Secrets.

15) It is a general belief among presidents that America has children or at least a child. That being said, he has never confirmed this theory and it's best not to ask.

16) America hates paperwork. Don't get me wrong, he will do it, but he will not like it. If he starts refusing to sign off on documents, bring him a donut and a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino from Starbucks. He will devour it and then in a caffeinated sugar high, begin working like a madman.

17) Every so often America will try to kidnap Justin Bieber and force Canada to take him back. To avoid a diplomatic incident, subtly point Mr. Bieber in the direction of France, the country not the NP (he doesn't want him either), and ship him off there.

18) America may devolve back into his cowboy self. If that happens, have him take a vacation to Texas or call over England so they can role play and get the kink out. Similarly, should England come over dressed as a pirate and threaten to 'cut your tongue out and feed it to the fishies,' direct him towards America where they will, again, role play the kink out. In both cases there will be some damage taken by the White House or to the nearby staff. Again, there is a fund for that.

19) America likes to act so don't be shocked if you see him in a motion picture film or at an A-List party. A few years ago he did some Reality TV work and suffice to say, he was a hit.

20)  America, like the country, is rich. He is worth billions, of course no one is aware of this fact but it's still true nonetheless. He likes buying expensive Christmas gifts and throwing lavish parties in DC. You've probably attended them before, though he doesn't advertise his name as the host. He also donates money and time to shelters and relief fundraisers.

Well for now that's all you need to know about America. There may be absolute chaos during your first 100 days as president, but you'll get used to it. And though America may seem foolish, value his input because he has been around for far longer than we have. Oh and make sure you check out that Little Book of Presidential Secrets (A/N: That's coming up).
I wish you the best,
Your Predecessor