Wish I Wasn't Normal

Chapter 5

I'm done. With Livi. I've given her enough chances. I sent her 13 texts asking to talk about it, and I can see she's read every single one of them but hasn't replied. What's more is it's so obvious that she likes Oscar. I mean, come on. I understand she's upset, but telling your best friend that you don't like her - I don't know what he is any more - because you like him yourself is just not cool! She can at least be honest with me.

So, I don't care what she says. She hasn't bothered to talk to me, so I can do what I want. I'm going to Oscar's. Instead of wearing my hair in it's usual long brown French braids, I grabbed a dark red scrunchie from my drawer on an impulse and tied my hair up in a sleek ponytail for the first time in what felt like years. And it felt good. It felt like I was finally free. In mourning for my best friend, but free.

Looking in the mirror at my grey hoodie, ripped denim jeans and newly-done makeup, I tried to force my face into a smile, and all at once tears started to well up in my eyes. What was I doing? I pulled on my blue trainers, tying the black laces with shaking hands, and opened the front door, stepping out into a cold blast of frosty air before I could change my mind. I can live without her, I told myself. I can live without her. Daylight was beginning to fade, and sensible people were hibernating indoors. I shivered, wrapping my scarf around my face for warmth. Oscar's place was only a few streets away, but on a cold winter aftenoon it didn't feel like it.

As I approached Oscar's front door, I wanted to run away. What was I doing? Fighting with my best friend over a boy? What's happening to me?

Knocking on Oscar's door felt like a betrayal of 5 years' worth of friendship. It felt deliberate. It felt final. I couldn't go back from here. With a burst of sadness, I thought: this is me. I'm here, fighting with the girl I thought I would never leave. She left me, said a voice in my head. But I didn't really believe it.

The door clicked open and Oscar's smiling face peered around the door. "Hey, Hanna! Where's Livi?" He asked socially. Suddenly, doubts began to invade my mind. What if he didn't really think of me that way at all? What if he was just being nice? What if I had misread all the signs? And why would he like me anyway? What if I had made the biggest mistake of my life?

"Um, she, um, is busy today." My stomach twisted. I hated lying to Oscar. But how could I say, "Oh, she now hates me because I didn't want to stop talking to you, but it's really because she likes you and is super jealous"? Exactly. I can't.

"Oh ok. Anyway, come on in," he said, motioning into the warmth "Ria had some homework to finish so she'll be late." As I pulled my trainers off, I took in my surroundings. Oscar's house was a little scruffy, with scratches all over the cabinets and several rips in the furniture - but it felt warm and welcoming, with a traditional green lampshade lighting the hall. A burst of envy flickered through my body. Ever since dad died, the house hasn't been the same. It hasn't felt like home.

I followed Oscar up the stairs, clinging to the wooden rail. His room was cluttered, but in an organised kind of way. It was pretty small, and the walls were painted sky blue, which seemed to reflect the fading light that beamed through the window. He flopped onto the bed and I sat down on the cold wooden laminate, gazing at the massive pile of maths on his desk. I am so not doing A-levels.

While all this was happening around me, guilt lurked at the back of my mind. Why was I even doing this? I missed Livi. So much.

Oscar noticed my vacant expression, and all of a sudden he slid down onto the floor beside me, sliding his hand into mine. "What's the matter? Tell me."

All of a sudden I burst into tears, sobbing into the arms of the boy who caused all of this, just by existing. He looked into my red, puffy eyes and I saw the depths hiding in his shadow-filled brown eyes. All of a sudden, we were two teenagers crying on a cold, wooden floor, kissing. And it all made sense. This was what I was made for. This was everything. I fell into his arms as our lips met in the frosty air that blasted through his open window. I never wanted to let go. I wanted this moment to last forever.