Until Dawn - never forget

Chapter 2 - healing

It's officially 11 months since the accident today, i know they say time heals but shit is it taking its time. Me and Josh are going on a date tonight, you may think it's weird to go on a date the same night as the 11 month anniversary but i know he'll need something to distract him. Im in the bath shaving my legs when my phone buzzes three times, why do people choose to text me when i'm in very awkward positions. I finish bathing and wrap myself in a towel, as i do so my phone buzzes another 2 times, jeez people have been checking up on me but they aren't usually this determined.
I pick up my phone and see i've been added to a group 'The Gang', my heart starts racing, i don't even know why it's not like they are new people i've never spoken to before, but in many ways it feels like they are. I unlock my phone and click on this new groupchat, 5 messages, a long paragraph from Josh is what catches my eye 'I know you may think it's weird that i've brought us all together but hear me out, in another month it will officially be a year since the accident-' i get a sharp pain through my chest '-I want all of us to go back to Washington Family Cabin for the whole weekend just like old times, i know how much it would mean to Beth and Hannah.' was he crazy? all of us go back there? a mixed feeling of butterflies and sick wrap around my stomach and i have to sit down. I read through the replies; Sam is down, Chris and Ash are down and as much as Mike seems a little strange he is also down. So i guess i'm making a big deal out of nothing, not even a second after this a new message buzzes, 'me and Em are down :)' oh god i forgot, Mike and Emily broke up leaving Jess (emily's apparent bestfriend) with her dream man. Em soon moved on though to Matt, he's a sweetheart although i never imagined him as her type. i take a deep breath and start typing 'sounds good :)' i'm not sure why typing that has made me feel sick but oh well, i'll get over it.

~~ two hours later ~~

i'm sat in a restaurant waiting for Josh to choose something off the menu, he's always been like this, he's not the type to stick to one thing. I guess you could call him spontaneous? He finally chooses 'stuffed chicken with salad and a dressing' i smile at him. Our relationship has been a little rocky these past months, it's quite understandable i guess but i don't know i just miss how it used to be.
He takes my hand and strokes it with his thumb, he pays close attention to my knuckles, i don't know why but he's always been fascinated by every part of me it's like he treats me as if i'm a piece of art it's actually very sweet having someone love me that much. I don't know if it's the right time to ask this, being completely honest i don't know if there ever will be "are you sure you're gonna be okay next month , you know going back?" I whisper it so it feels more intimate and not like i'm shouting it out in public.
After almost a minute he looks up at me, he looks quite startled, he has pretty slow reactions lately but i'm blaming his meds for that.
"yeah, why would i suggest it if i wasn't ready to move on?"
"well i don't know, I just, i'm not sure if you're gonna be able to handle going back to the place your sisters die-"
"they aren't dead y/n."
Oh shit, Josh has this obsession with believing his sisters are still alive, he thinks they are living in a cave and he wants to find them. Fuck, is that the reason he wants to go back?
"no josh wait i didn't mean that" i try to defuse it
"yes you did because you said it, but they aren't dead y/n just because you left them doesn't make them dead"
i'm shocked, it feels like he just punched me, ouch. 'just because you left them doesn't make them dead' what does that even mean? Is he suggesting that i left them for dead?
"what are you talking about? i didn't leave them i watched them die"
"yeah you keep telling yourself that, i see your guilt, you got scared and didn't know what else to do" his voice started getting louder "you left them before you even knew they were gone, you didn't even check y/n" by this point he was basically shouting, i could feel the sting of peoples eyes on us.
"josh i..." i didn't even finish my sentence, I just got up and left, i went and sat on a bench in the park and lit a cigarette. I never used to smoke but i'd say me developing a nicotine addiction isn't the worst thing that's happened this year. It's starting to get dark as i see Josh walking over to me, i can't even label the expression on his face. He sits next to me but we don't say a word to eachother, this goes on for a good 2 minutes
"i didn't just leave them" i whisper
"i know"
"so why would you say that, any of that?"
"because it's hard, trying to accept that they're dead, but it's easier finding someone to blame"
"fair enough"
"no, none of this is fair, it's not your fault y/n i'm sorry and i didn't mean to ruin our date but atleast we avoided the bill"
Shit it just set in how hungry i am, i didn't even get a chance to eat my meal before the date went to crap.
I turn to ask Josh if he's still hungry but when i look at him it's all over his face, he's just sad, but not the type of sad you are when you realise you've eaten the last square of chocolate or the type of sad you are when you fail a test. This is a type of sadness that is just constantly eating away at you, no words can help it and it feels like you'll never get over it. I move myself closer and kiss his cheek, i wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his shoulder, he's freezing cold.
"do you want to go back to the house"
it's actually my moms house but she left when i was 15 for business in America, she came back for a bit after the accident but soon she was gone again. Josh pretty much lived there with me before he started needed his therapist more. Josh doesn't even say anything he just nods his head, we stand up and he intertwines his fingers around mine.

~~ at the house ~~

We're sat in the living room and it feels like Joshes mood has completely changed, i can feel his smile against my head.
"do you want some hot chocolate" I say into his neck,
"yeah why not" he smiles, ok it seems our little 'tiff' from earlier is over and sorted.
I try to get up and he pulls me back down with a smirk on his face, this is his little game of me trying to escape just to get up, he rolls so he's on top of me and plants a soft, cosy kiss on my lips. Giggling i try and fight back but he's like ridiculously strong when he wants to be, i finally push him off and get to the kitchen.
i still have a smile on my face while i'm stirring warm milk with chocolate powder, i'm literally about to take the drinks into the living room when a phone buzzes. i never ever snoop like EVER but i can't help it, Joshes phone is face up and i see two notifications from his therapist
'Hi Josh, it's Alan, i hope you don't mind me texting you, but this is important. I got your email, i don't think that your plan is going to help' what plan? i continue reading 'I think you need to stop what you're doing and come to see me' okayy has he been taking his meds or??
'please, pick up your phone. I'm getting worried'
so this is a little freaky and i have a strange feeling joshes 'plan' might have something to do with us going back to the cabin but i'll leave it for tonight, because he's in a better mood and doesn't seem to be off his meds at the moment. i just really don't want to spoil the evening.
i try to block the texts from my mind, it's just not worth it at the moment, i carry our drinks into the living room and smile at josh. He's put a shitty horror film on 'April Fools Day' god he's never had good taste in films,
"really April Fools Day?" i smirk
"hey i like the idea of a day just for pranks" he laughs and grabs my hand, pulling me so i'm forced to sit next to him and watch the film.
I wake up and the end credits are on, i don't even know when i fell asleep but Josh is lay next to me. i stand up as quietly as i can and unlock the door, i think about everything as i light my cigarette. Can i really do this? go back to the cabin? Even just the thought makes me feel nauseous, but in a way i think it would be good for me to go back just for closure and so i can finally start properly moving on. I rub my stub into the ground and get up, i'm really hungry now which is made obvious by my stomach rumbling. i attempt to sneak back into the house but then i see the sofa is empty, i just assume josh has gone upstairs and i pick up our cups to place them in the sink. standing in the doorway i see Josh staring at his phone i can't even begin to describe his expression, i swallow back a lump in my throat.
"everything okay Josh" i say, i try to be wary about how i approach it, his face just suddenly goes back to normal as if he's just swallowed any emotions
"yeah i'm okay y/n, ready to go to bed?" he says this in his normal mischievous way with a smile and pushing his hair out of his face. I walk past him and leave our cups in the sink, as soon as i turn to him he grabs my waist, did i mention he's really strong? i squeal as he rushes us upstairs, he drops me on the bed and before i can even fight back he kisses me. He kisses my lips, passionately, then he moves to my cheeks planting kisses until he gets to my neck. He's about to reach my collarbone when he stops and just looks at me, we both look in each others eyes smiling, this lasts for a good 10 seconds before i lean in and kiss him again.

~~ after the YOU KNOW WHAT ~~

we're lay, he's asleep, as i'm stroking his cheek continuous questions fill my mind. Is he taking his meds? what's his 'plan'? is us going back safe? These play on my mind and i suddenly feel the need for fresh air, i roll myself out of bed and make my way downstairs to the back doors. Breathing in the frosty january air, a shiver runs through my body. No i need to go, i need closure and maybe it will make things with Josh easier.