JJBA Villain One Shot Compilation

Episode 1 - Dio

You were sitting in the kitchen, making a piping hot cup of Joe to start the day. While you were pouring your sizzling brew of liquid heart attack into your favorite artisan mug, you made the oopsie of rubbing the coffee pot three times.

KERCHOW! Out of the pot, like a mystical banana colored genie with stupid little genie elf shoes that could not possibly comfortably fit a grown man's feet, sprang none other than Dionysus James Brando.

Oopsie doopsie, we made a FUCKY WUCKY! You thought to yourself. I have a goddamn motherfucking VAMPY WAMPY floating in my kitchen like a leaf on the golden wind.

"What do you wish?" Purred the gay British vampire in a voice like a muscular Homer Simpson. Yes, Dio sounds like Homer Simpson. Eat my shorts.

"Aw hell nah," You sputter, "I've seen Stardust Crusaders five times and cried more with every rewatching. I know how this shit goes."

Dio hops gracefully to the floor and strikes a menacing pose. "I know!" He says with a charming smirk. "You wish to feel the heat of my fiery love!"

You do, lowkey, but you still have the willies.

"Behold," Dio says, "my hot, girthy staff of carnal desire!" 

You are angered by his funny words, magic man. "Shut the fuck up, you crack baby, you know that ain't your real dick, you peenie poacher!"

Dio freezes mid-twerk. All of a sudden he starts crying. He cries all over your marble counters and cleans off your dishes. He cries in your coffee and turns it to weird vaguely chocolatey bean soup. He grabs a box of cereal off your counter and shoves it sideways down his throat. He is so very sad. You feel sorta bad, but not really, because he did steal Johnathan Joestar's extra-thicc booty cheeks. We all know Dio's original body could hashtag never.

"MY HEAAAAAAART!" Dio gnashes his teeth. "YOU! BROKE ME!" He rips off the front of his stupid yellow latex banana pants and lo and behold, it is not a ding dong in his pants but a WWII-era Browning M1917 machine gun. 

"WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" He blows a heart in the wall in a hail of gunfire. "I just took a DNA test, turn out I'm 90% Johnathan Joestar and 10% bubblegum bitch!" You duck behind the counter for your handy dandy wooden stake and garlic salt, but it is too late. Dio is shitting ferociously in your freshly brewed coffee. He shits so loudly that all the squirrels on your powerline are shaken from their perches and all the birds in your neighborhood just straight up fuckin' die. He shits and shits until you are forced to dive for cover.

"Caught ya bitch!" Dio starts sprinting upside down on the ceiling towards you, screaming the famous British war cry M to the B. But it is too late. You know his dastardly secret. The janky little shoes gave it all away. Dio Brando's body is held together by fifty elves in a meat sack.

You stand proud and do your best impression of Santa Claus. The elves cannot resist. They all sprint apart at once, searching for their lord and savior who keeps them imprisoned for all eternity making toys for ungrateful children with neither sleep nor pay nor proper provisions aside from the occasional Russian military MRE. One by one, you bop them on the head until they are all in an unconscious pile and put them in a box to Timbuktu. Then you take the discarded Dio pelt and burn it as an offering to the gods of England.

The fucking end.