1: The New Red Room Assassin

Chapter 19

Ana's POV

A few months went by. The therapy sessions were going okay. We hadn't started full on trauma work yet, but I talked to her about some of the things that happened. Natalia was there, every session. She'd even stay afterwards with me to talk or watch TV to take my mind off it all.

The other avengers had introduced me to video games, Mario Kart was my favourite, it wasn't too hard to get the hang of, but nobody could beat Clint. I spent most of my time with them all, it was nice, they all felt a little bit safer. Natalia, Wanda and Clint were the ones I was closest with.

I was still in control of my intake. Managing it carefully. Natalia actually let me keep books and a diary in my room. The diary was recommended by the psychologist, I mostly use it to calorie track. But I sometimes write how I'm feeling, how much I hate myself and my body. How much I don't want to feel these emotions around others, this safety, this trust? No I don't trust Natalia. I can't.

I was starting to be allowed outside, Natalia and I even went into New York a couple of times. I haven't been on any decent missions yet. I'd been on a couple of recon outings with Natalia and Clint, they were pretty boring and didn't amount to anything of interest. But it was nice, being allowed outside. We were on a recon mission in France once, and she let us go up the Eiffel Tower! It was amazing.

I was itching to do real stuff though. Fight, fire a gun at someone rather then a stupid target, hack into computers, man I missed hacking.

Then the news came in, Hydra base, New Jersey, wasn't in another country so they thought it would be an easy mission to start me on. Natalia came into my room and told me, I was going on my first proper mission. She laid down a bag which she said contained my brand new suit. All leather like hers, even with the hourglass symbol, however mine had matching red seams. I immediately put it on and stared at myself in the mirror.

But I hated how I looked. My rolls of fat were just overflowing. I felt sick just looking at myself. I wanted to hide my body away not wear a fucking skin tight leather suit. I did my breathing exercises to get myself back from the spiral. I was not going to let my inability to lose weight stop me from nailing this mission. I grabbed my glucose tablets and stuffed them in one of the pockets, and I headed to get my weapons. Most agents and avengers got to keep their weapons with them, I had to keep them in storage for obvious reasons. But it was nice to be trusted with them again.

Nat's POV

I was waiting in storage to grant Ana access to her weapons locker. When she walked in I had to hide my reaction on my face, and after a quick scan of the room it looked like most people had to as well. The suit was hanging off her. It looked like a bin bag on her. It was made to her exact measurements a month ago. I knew something was wrong. All this fucking time, I was too blind sighted by her smiles or laughs, or when she'd open up about the smallest shit in therapy and here she was looking like that and I didn't notice. I'm a spy, I notice everything, how did I not notice.

I glanced at Clint and Steve, not knowing what to say or do. I walked over and left Ana by the locker telling her I'd be back in a second.

"We can't let her go on this mission right?" I said to the men,

"Why not? She's hit every target? She's kept up in training, been above where any of us expected her to be?" Steve said, always logical, always practical,

"Fuck sake Steve" I hissed, ignoring the stupid look he gave me for swearing "look at how much weight she has lost" I finished, glaring at Clint to back me up

"I mean she has lost a lot, she doesn't look well" Clint said matter of factly,

"It's not our job to judge based on what she looks like, but rather how she does. She has given us no reason to not trust her, or to cast any doubt on her abilities to complete this mission" Steve said, I rolled my eyes angrily and stormed back to the weapon locker.