drivers license // minsung

~4~

"And you're probably with that blonde boy who always made me doubt"

Jisung felt his heart sink within seconds when he saw Chan's car in Minho's drive way, and the nausea had found a comforting home in his stomach. He knew driving past Minho's house would be a bad idea, but he still let his impulses take over. It's like he was asking for his heart to crack further than it already had. His heart was a nearly shattered mirror,  multiple cracks lining across its surface, yet somehow still in tact.

Jisung's grip on the wheel tightened. He no longer wanted to see the sight in front of him, and he wished he could erase the memory of it. He could only imagine that whatever was going on inside would crack the mirror of his heart even further.

Was Chan Minho's boyfriend? Jisung wasn't sure. His eyes would always become green with envy that lied within his rotten heart whenever he saw his ex boyfriend and Bang Chan together. He would internally light Chan in flames and draw every little comparison between themselves whenever he saw Chan with Minho during school.

Jisung watched from afar as he wondered to himself how close was close for them. He wondered what the whispers were that lingered in Minho's ears. He overanalyzed every single hug, and tried to read into the nervousness that radiates from his ex boyfriend every time. He wondered if the rumors that floated around about the supposed love triangle between them three were in any way true, because Jisung couldn't tell you. He was just as much left in the dark as anybody else.

Although Jisung always questions whether Minho feels something for Chan, there was no doubt about how the oldest felt for Minho. He could tell the way that Chan looked at Minho, and every lingering stare he made towards him made Jisung's chest feel on fire. He felt so disrespected when Chan would lovingly have his eyes on his boyfriend only a few feet away from him, and it felt no less disrespectful now, although the couple was long broken up. Minho would reassure him constantly that nothing was happening between them, and Jisung was the only boy he loved.

Well Minho's words really fell short, according to Jisung. Whether it came down to the complex questions and lack of answers that kept Jisung lying awake at night, or simplicity of the statement that Minho loved Jisung.

Jisung wanted to turn away from the house on his left and slam the gas pedal as hard as he could, but he couldn't bring himself to look away. Like a horrible train wreck that was an eyesore, you just can't look away without seeing how it all unfolds.

And with Jisung's mind, he wasn't sure if ignorance was bliss or a curse anymore.

Jisung narrowed his eyes, trying to peel them away from Chan's car parked in the driveway. He felt the same feeling he always felt when Chan was around: a burning envy in his chest. Jisung felt pure rage and envy in his weak, little heart.

Of course Chan took Minho away from me. That bastard couldn't practice any self restraint if he even tried.

As Jisung quickly turned off of Minho's street, he felt like he was piecing things together, or more like letting his mind jump to a lot of conclusions. Like a puzzle with pieces that finally found each other's fit, he remained confused where the other missing pieces lay to create the whole picture. Minho never quite told him why they broke up, and he always was left confused. Every time Jisung tried to draw conclusions as to what he did wrong or what was going on in Minho's mind, he kept on drawing blank cards with no clue to lead him anywhere.

Did his parents not like me? That's not it, Minho's parents always welcomed me in their house.

Was there a rumor spread about me? That's not true, Minho wouldn't listen to any of them.

Did he have another boyfriend? I don't believe that, Minho always said he only had love for me.

Right?

Jisung pulled into his driveway and slammed his foot on the brakes. He felt a slight jolt after coming to a sudden stop. Jisung still had a very tight grip on the wheel, and his jaw almost felt sewn shut. He blinked a few times after continuing his thoughts of why they really broke up. Instead of drawing blanks this time, he always was repeating the same question in his head: Did he leave me for Chan?

Jisung hit his head on the steering wheel, ignoring the pain in his head. He inhaled sharply before letting his sobs escape his mouth. He was tired of feeling so lonely and helpless. He exhausted himself of asking the same questions over and over that lead him to no answers.

Jisung quickly wiped his tears and let out a shaky breath. His eyes started to hurt from how many tears he produced, it's like he cried oceans every day. Jisung unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the car door to let himself out. The rain was still pouring, a little harder than before. He thought maybe his mom wouldn't be able to tell he was crying if the rain got his face wet.

Jisung fumbled around in his pockets to get his house keys, and they slipped out of his hands onto the porch step. He looked down and shut his eyes.

"Fuck!" Jisung muttered to himself as his hands shook from all the emotions swirling around in his chest. Jisung already felt frustrated enough, and he thought everything was going sideways, more than it already had been the past four months. He bent down and picked up his keys, sliding them into the keyhole. He felt warmth hug his wet body after stepping into his home, but it wasn't the warmth he wanted to be engulfed in.

Minho was always so warm.

Jisung ran up to his room and slammed the door. He peeled the soaked hoodie off his body, and he felt cold, although the heater was on. He changed his clothes, and slipped on some sweatpants. Jisung rummaged through his closet and found the big brown hoodie he was looking for. He ran his hand over the material.

It's as soft as I remember.

Jisung slipped on Minho's hoodie and hugged himself. He brought the material to his nose, and smelled it. He smiled knowing it still has Minho's scent, but he was worried the more he smelled the sweater, the scent would not linger. That's why he almost never wore the sweater. He only wore it in the times he missed Minho the most.

Jisung climbed into bed and wrapped himself with his blanket. Jisung curled up into a ball and hugged himself. The sweater was the only positive thing he had left of Minho, except for one other thing. Everything else Jisung kept was the damage Minho inflicted on that fateful morning.

Jisung fell asleep pretending that Minho was next to him in the empty space on his bed, wrapping his arms around his small figure, and praying that one day, his loved one would be with him once again.

~~~

A short filler chapter :)