Blind to love

struggles are real

Callie pov

Walking though the door last night I feel anything, instead of ordering food I head for shower needing to waste the grease of my hands, it already smells but this is strong, turning the shower on I wait a couple of seconds letting it warm up before I strip and climb in. Looking at my self in the mirror I don't recognise anymore all I see are the scars that are still remaining, realising my hair out the ponytail I don't more from the mirror looking into my own eyes I don't see nothing, I feel empty, pulling away from the mirror I finally climb in the shower letting the water run down my body, closing my eyes the images of kai lifeless body replaces the darkness 

"why did I have to die" hearing voices in my head I slide down the shower sitting on the floor bending my legs up using my hands to cover my ears, looking at my hands all I see if blood, I could have saved him. I don't want to listen to the voices trying to creep though, there was nothing I could have done, why did he have to die is the big question. 

"you killed me" shaking my head I try my hardest to shut the voices up but turning music on from my phone but they keep coming, climbing to my feet I put my hands back over my ears, placing my head against a wall before closing my eyes, a single tears rolls down my cheek as I think about kai and what would of happened if he didn't enter the building, if we didn't get the information about what was happening , we could of been married now with children on the way. Still hearing the voice I open my eyes looking down and no longer seeing water but seeing blood come from the shower head, I have blood on my hands 

"shut up... shut up... shut up..." I scream punching the wall where my shower sips before running out the shower throwing a towel over my body, running to my room I turn the lights off wanting nothing but the darkness, sitting at the end of my bed knees up against my body I stay silent not wanting to move. Closing my eyes I let the voices in and the images of kai dying over and over again, the blood leaking from his body, the way his eyes closed for the last time, his hand coming up begging to be helped but instead I broke down, its all my fault I got him killed. I killed him. He's dead. Shaking my head I start pulling at my head wanting it to end.

As the week comes and go I haven't let the room, I haven't eaten I haven't showered, the pills on the side of the bed remain up opened looking at me, begging me to take them and end it all now but as I sit in the darkness the only thing that lights up is my phone, it wont stop going of, its making me go crazy. Grabbing the phone from the bed stand table I turn the off button not reading any messages, I don't trust myself. 

1 missed call from jay

5 unread messages from jay

1 missed call from dad

8 missed calls from Jacob 

3 voicemails from Jacob 

4 unread messages from Matt

9 unread messages from teresea

27 unread message from the boys group 

Turning my phone off before throwing it off the bed I sit in the darkness letting the silence in, i don't know what to believe anymore, I can't see anything but kai and the moment he was killed, we all should of known it was a trap, I could of went in with him and ill be with him, no longer alone. Hearing banging at the door with faint voices I lay on the floor with my hands covering my ears, knowing no one is getting in, as the banging stop I realise I'm alone and the voices come back, climbing to my feet I start shaking my head begging for it too stop, I cant un-see the images, one by one of kai body, the bodies I kill, the thoughts off ending it all now. 

"Callie, hey Callie its me. you're alright. Look at me please" hearing the voices I open my eyes finding teresa in front of me with Paul standing at the door, the worried looks don't leave there faces as they look at me and then thee night stand where the pills sit, before I have a chance to say anything teresa is picking the pill bottle up looking at it but a sign of relief floods over the both of them when they realise it hasn't been open however they cant say the same about me, pulling me on the bed Paul gets a wet cloth for teresa as she looks at my hand. When Paul comes back with a wet cloth teresa wipes my hands wiping the blood away but as I look at my hands I see all the blood I spilled over the years, the amount of bodies I killed, starting to have a panic attack teresa drops the cloth and holds my face up to hers talking to her but I hear nothing but silence, I haven't slept in so long and they both know it. Holding my engagement ring in my hands I think about kai trying to think about the good ones like teresa keeps telling me too.